RICHARD ORD: Greggs and Primark ... dressing for the upper crust

Where once streets were said to be paved with gold, now they’re pretty much paved with discarded pants and pizza boxes.

Designer-wear for society's upper crust!
Designer-wear for society's upper crust!

Fast food rubbish has been a problem for decades, but these days you’d be hard-pressed to walk along any highway or byway without stumbling across unwanted clothing strewn about the place.

So much so, that I reckoned that if I started off on a 5km jog completely naked and put on every item of clothing I found on the way, I’d be fully clothed by the end.

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Gloves are the most common. Which is just as well, given the weather at the moment. Underpants are not so easy to find. On a naked run three gloves are an essential first find. Two to keep hands warm, and one to reduce the risk of being arrested for indecent exposure.

Fast fashion is a concern. Mass-produced cheap clothing that’s being chucked at a moment’s notice and replaced by more tat.

Fast food and fashion are bad for the environment. So when I heard that Greggs and Primark were teaming to produce a fashion range, I had high hopes. Clothes made out of food! You wear it once and then eat it! Perfect.

Feeling the cold? Well slip on a Greggs sausage roll-neck sweater…

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Pastry pants is what the world has been crying out for. It could help solve global food poverty.

The options are endless. No more baggy trousers, try baguette trousers. How about a pair of loafers, made out of crusty bread loaves? Girls, hold that hair back with a Ploughman’s scrunchie! Or better still, put it in a bun - a Greggs sticky bun.

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And, for that important interview, don a particularly fetching kipper tie. Made from actual kipper! No to turn-ups, yes to turnips.

Maybe all fast food companies could team up with fashion houses to accelerate the edible clothing revolution.

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The McDonald’s Big Mac can be just that, a mackintosh fashioned from meat patties and over-sugared bread buns, with gherkins as lapels.

‘Pair of trousers sir? Have you tried our Taco Bell-bottoms?’

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I reckon we’re on a winner with this. This is a welcome revolution. I mean, this is what’s happening right? Cheap edible clothes! I mean, it’s not just going to be a range of cheap clothing with Greggs logos and sausage roll puns is it? Is it?