CHILDLINE ADVICE: How to talk to your children about death and bereavement

So, this week I wanted to tackle what is a very emotive issue, and talk about the impact bereavement can have on children. Grief can affect everyone differently and it’s important to remember that.

We can even grieve for those we don’t know directly, and that’s perfectly ok. With regular updates on the numbers of deaths linked to coronavirus in the media, we can’t underestimate the impact this may be having on our children. It’s possible that children will need time to mourn now, even if it is people they don’t know or have never met.

It can be particularly difficult to help a child grieve if you, too, are grieving. I want to take this opportunity to talk through some of Childline’s advice on how parents can support children who are going through bereavement.

Bereavement can be complex for children, especially if they’re experiencing it for the first time. It’s common to feel things like confusion, numbness, loss of control and worrying that things will never be ok again. One boy spoke to a Childline counsellor after his uncle died: “I was really close to him and it's strange knowing he’s not here anymore... I’m trying to distract myself from it because I don't know how to deal with these new emotions.”

When someone dies, there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Everyone experiences loss or bereavement differently. But it’s important to help a child, especially if they have never lost someone before, to understand that it’s ok to have these emotions.

Children of different ages may also have different levels of understanding about what’s happened. Younger children could be more confused, thinking that someone has just gone away, whereas older children could realise that they’ll never see someone again, and could start to worry about life and death on a wider scale.

One girl contacted Childline shortly after her mum died, and said:

“I just think about her walking upstairs and hugging me or hearing her say ‘I love you’ and the thought of never seeing her face again is the hardest thing ever.”

The death of someone you care about can be very difficult for an adult, let alone a child. Nonetheless, grieving is not something to be rushed, and you should avoid putting pressure on yourselves to feel better straight away. Grief effects everyone differently, and lasts for

different lengths of time. The most important thing to do is to encourage the child or young person to talk to a trusted adult about how they’re feeling. They may just want to talk about the mixture of feelings that are troubling them, or the person that they miss. They might ask questions about why the person died, so it’s useful to have some answers ready suited to the child’s age and understanding.

It’s also useful to encourage children to express how they’re feeling. If they are upset, they could write a letter or draw a picture to the person that’s died, or if they are angry and frustrated then they can scream into a pillow.

Children are often tactile, so they could keep a small object which reminds them of the person that’s died, such as a photo of them in a locket. If a pet has passed away, it might be a collar tag or favourite toy.

Remember you can always signpost a child to the Childline website, where they can have a 1-2-1 chat with a counsellor who is trained to respond to situations just like this, or visit the message boards to see how other children are coping with bereavement. Childline is free to

call on 0800 1111 between 9am and midnight every day.

It’s no secret that death is a taboo for most people. But the current situation makes it more important than ever to help children understand grief.