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RICHARD ORD: Is the world ready for a zombie James Bond?

My eldest is off on a voyage of discovery to deepest, darkest Thailand where he hopes to ‘find himself.’

By Richard Ord
Wednesday, 11th May 2022, 12:00 am

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Well, he didn’t quite say that, but when young men head out into the big wild world on an international adventure, that’s usually how it’s couched. ‘I’m going to find myself,’ they say.

I embarked on a similar journey myself in my 20s. A voyage of self-discovery to exotic climes. I didn’t get far. I found myself a little worse for wear at Jarrow Metro station. Recognised myself straight away. A skinny, awkward individual with big teeth. Yep that’s me. Found him.

His packing had gone well. ‘Mainly shorts and footy tops,’ he told me. Classy.

One tourist stop he did mention was visiting Phang Nga bay, home of the impressive Khao Ta Pu, better known as James Bond Island.

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It features in The Man with the Golden Gun. Remember that one? It’s a big rock sticking out of the sea. In the movie, big solar panels sprout out of the top to power a death ray, or something.

To be fair, most people only remember the golden gun and Christopher Lee’s third nipple.

As Bond baddy distinctive features go, it’s perhaps the least fearful.

You can recoil in horror at the sight of Blofeld’s scarred eye or gasp in terror at the gleaming metal teeth of Jaws, but a third nipple? You’re more likely to lean in for a closer look, aren’t you?

Anyway, his pilgrimage to this Bond site has taken on more significance given the latest 007 movie. And, before you read on, here’s a SPOILER ALERT… the new James Bond movie is rubbish. And here’s another SPOILER ALERT … James Bond dies at the end.

There was a lot of paper talk suggesting the next James Bond should be a woman which, at the risk of being cancelled, was just bizarre.

On reflection, however, James Bond becoming Jane Bond had to be better than him being killed. But the producers clearly decided that he had to go. So they blew him up. Now Bond can only return in a kind of ‘young James Bond’ guise or a zombie.

Which makes our Brad’s trip to James Bond island less a celebration of 007 as a moment to pay his last respects. Do black ties go with footy tops?