RICHARD ORD: Is the real measure of society how raucous your royalty?

The return of imperial measures is long overdue and hopefully heralds the reintroduction of pints, miles-per-hour and, in particular, a more raucous royal family.

Wednesday, 22nd September 2021, 12:00 am
Now that's what I call royalty.

Despite the acres of column inches (or should that be square centimetres?) devoted to the royal family in recent months, they aren’t a patch on the old-money royals of days gone by.

So as we fall back into the measurements we enjoyed in days of yore, hopefully our royals will feel more comfortable going back to their old ways.

I’m thinking royals quaffing flagons of ale, gnawing on roast boar legs and sending court jesters to the stocks for failing to raise a smile with their mandolin twiddling and the bells on their toe-ends. You know, proper kings and queens. The traditional and easily understood kings who were all - to a man - big, bearded and bolshy.

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Today, the royals are all uniformly slim and reasonably sensible. I mean, they are all the same shape. Do they have to pass through a doorway shaped like a thin person every time they leave their royal retreats?

Whatever happened to red-faced rotund royals in lopsided crowns wielding pewter goblets of mead and roaring at their manservants? I mean, if you own a castle, at least behave like the king of the castle.

But no, instead what we have is an anodyne, wishy washy royal family going through the motions and trying not to attract attention. They all look like accountants.

Things have been quiet of late on the royal front, even the Harry and Meghan bashing has subsided. My favourite recent attack was when one rightwing news organisation claimed one of Meghan’s friends snubbed Prince William and Kate Middleton by failing to clap the couple as they took their seats in the Royal Box at Wimbledon.

They even had video evidence. And it was true. The woman did not clap as they took their seat. But then, neither did about seven other people in the frame. And anyway, is it really bad manners not to applaud someone for sitting down? When did applauding people for sitting down become a thing?

Perhaps applauding royals for managing to sit down is a throwback from days gone by when, if you failed to show due deference to their majesties, you were flogged.

In fact, forget the return of imperial measures, I’d rather see our royal family adopt their old raucous and ribald ways to spice up our lives. And anyone who disagrees should, as was royal tradition, be flogged within two and half centimetres of their life.