Be the envy of your pals with £3m clock that doesn't tell the time

And since the newly available strontium optical lattice clock will set you back nearly £3 million, that seems like a bit of an oversight. For that price, I’d expect the time delivered to me on a silver platter, alongside an iced latte. And maybe a sandwich.

That said, your multi-million-pound investment does buy you accuracy to within one second per ten billion years—or your money back, presumably. Yep, if it drifts even slightly outside that razor-thin margin, you can return it in a billion years for a full refund. No questions asked—except maybe: “How are you still alive?”

The strontium lattice clock, about the size of a fridge, isn’t sold as a timepiece in the traditional sense. It’s a scientific instrument, so you won’t find it in Beaverbrooks anytime soon. But I wouldn’t be surprised if some YouTube influencer snaps one up just to outshine their rivals.

Timepieces these days are much like mobile phones—tech gadgets repurposed as status symbols. Phones are really pocket-sized computers that, if necessary, can make calls. Watches, likewise, are overpriced jewelry that, if absolutely required, can tell the time.

High-end watch brands love to use tennis players in their ads, which makes little sense. Unlike football, where the clock determines the match length, tennis players keep going until someone wins. They have no reason to check the time—except when collecting their trophy, when a luxury watch suddenly materializes on their wrist for the world (and potential buyers) to see.

If Rolex and TAG Heuer really wanted to prove their watches’ worth, they’d put Premier League referees in their ad campaigns instead. Picture Craig Pawson, stark naked in an ornate Victorian bathtub, holding up a red card as his digital Casio gleams through the soap bubbles. A silky voice intones: “Time for the perfect send-off.”

On second thoughts, maybe they’re better suited to promoting the strontium lattice clock. Over-officious bureaucrats and a clock that’s never wrong? A match made in VAR heaven.