The 21 best jokes in the history of the Edinburgh Festival

Do these jokes get your sides splitting?Do these jokes get your sides splitting?
Do these jokes get your sides splitting?
A study has claimed to have found the 21 most popular jokes in the history of the Edinburgh Festival.

The list was compiled by scouring through end-of-festival best joke lists dating back 10 years.

Do you think these entries are worthy of Festival folk-lore?

1. Mark Watson

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“I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. “I thought to myself, it’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice.”

2. Joe Lycett

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

3. Patrick Monahan

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs.”

4. Adam Hess

“Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for unwanted pregnancy?”

5. Laura Lexx

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“My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne.”

6. Chris Turner

“I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.”

7. Jimeoin

“Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic.”

8. Hayley Ellis

“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I went to Africa for six months.”

9. Mark Nelson

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“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.”

10. Joel Dommet

People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.”

11. Harriet Kemsley

“I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher.”

12. Lou Sanders

“You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity.”

13. Tom Neenan

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“Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday?”

14. Rob Auton

“I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel.”

15. Fin Taylor

“My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.”

16. Juliet Meyers

“Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry.”

17. Gary Delaney

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Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

18. Chris Coltrane

“The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.”

19. Darren Walsh

“Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.”

20. Josie Long

“When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: ‘Oh, two or three’. She wondered why her marriage didn’t work.”

21, Matt Winning

“Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.”