Richard Ord: Why remove the fun from divorce proceedings?

There are moves to introduce '˜no fault' divorces to make married couple's legal break-ups easier.

By The Newsroom
Wednesday, 12th September 2018, 12:56 pm
Updated Wednesday, 12th September 2018, 1:02 pm

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Torture charity cakes, make sure thats clotted, not whipped, thanks.
Torture charity cakes, make sure thats clotted, not whipped, thanks.

I ask you, where’s the fun in that?

Finger pointing and the blame game is the only fun part of the divorce proceedings.

Take that out of the equation and what are we paying the solicitors all that money for?

The rocky path to the moral high ground is littered with discarded accusations and crumpled reputations … and that’s not a criticism.

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A ‘no fault’ divorce sounds, well, boring.

Mud-slinging and colourful language is surely par for the course.

You want to come out of the other end of a divorce like someone who has just completed a tough mudder obstacle course, rather than a pale-faced mortician after another day’s embalming.

Or maybe that’s just me.

I’m new to the divorce game, but it all seems to be going swimmingly. Just as advertised. The most important thing in any divorce proceedings, I’m continually told, is the kids. You have to put them first.

Hmm, maybe. But it’s important to put yourself a very, very close second. Or, again, perhaps that’s just me.

Another thing not quite as advertised is the moral high ground.

As a destination, it would get a right rollicking on TripAdvisor.

For one, the moral high ground is a pretty lonely place if you manage to get there unscathed.

It’s also not as much fun as you might expect.

Annoyingly, when you look out across the way, the person you were racing to grab the moral high ground from, appears to have taken a completely different route to find a moral high ground of their own!

Turns out the moral high ground is a blinking franchise. There’s one on every corner.

Given the choice, next time I’d probably plump for the immoral low ground. Everyone seems to be having far more fun there.

My current better half (didn’t take him long did it – Ed) told me she is going to join her friend in cooking charity grub to raise money for international torture victims.

A very laudable and worthy cause and not one which should, in any way, be treated with levity.

Which is why I implored her not to accidentally go down a culinary torture route (it can happen, you know).

For example, don’t make anything with ‘whipped’ cream.

A cheese waterboard would not be appropriate either. Nor would ‘the rack’ of lamb.

And for burgers, a hung, drawn and quartered pounder would be beyond the pale.

Washing down the entire meal with a ‘lashings’ of ginger beer would also be frowned upon.

I hope the charity cooking goes well and yes, I’ll be donating a large sum to the cause, and it won’t be out of guilt. Honest.