Richard Ord: Would spew believe it? Guns to make you sick

Forget a nuclear war, we appear to be on the cusp of all-out PUKElear war!

By The Newsroom
Wednesday, 13 March, 2019, 10:07
HMS Defender, armed to the teeth with spinny things and a spiky ball.

A story this week revealed that the Russians were on manoeuvres off the North East coast in battleships armed with, wait for it, vomit weapons!

At first I thought they may be guns that fire gallons of spew at opposition forces as a kind of warning shot across the boughs. To be fair, that would work. I can’t think of a better substance to quell demonstrations. Water cannons are the crowd dispersal weapon of choice these days, but they actually sound like fun rather than something to be feared.

A chunder-chucker, in my humble opinion, would disperse a crowd far more efficiently. For students, soap and water cannons would be equally effective (if my scruffy kids aversion to cleaning products is anything to go by…). On further investigation of the story (ie. reading beyond the eye-catching ‘vomit weapon’ headline) I discovered that the guns don’t fire sick, but laser beams that make the enemy queasy.

The report stated that: “At least one of the new frigates is reported to have been fitted with the Fillin 5P-42 weapon, a “visual optical interference” device designed to cause “dizziness, nausea and feelings of disorientation” among its targets.” A similar effect can be achieved by another weapon of mass destruction available in city centre boozers … the Jaeger Bomb! The UK’s response to the Russian threat was to send out HMS Defender. As chance would have it, I was out walking the dog in North Shields when this vessel left the Tyne to track the Ruskies. While I’m no authority on naval weaponry (navel gazing, yes, naval weaponry no) I doubt HMS Defender will have Putin quaking in his boots.

It looked like a seven-year-old had put it together with Lego. There was a black spinny thing at the back and a big turret with what looked like beach ball with spikes stuck in it. Honestly, it was like the CBeebies props department had been chucked a fiver and two vats of grey paint and asked to tart up a tug boat to look like a battleship. It felt puny. I suspect, if it does kick off with the Russians we’ll be asking for our good friends the Americans for help. Though I’ve always harboured mistrust for the US.

Sign up to our daily newsletter

The i newsletter cut through the noise

They operate as the World Police coming down hard on any nation they think are mad enough to use a nuclear weapon. And being the only nation ever mad enough to use one, they are perfect for the role. Poachers turned gamekeepers.

Of course they used it to bring a swift end to World War Two. And on realising what a horrific and indiscriminate weapon the atomic bomb was and how it must never be used on humanity again, promptly dropped another one three days later.

As we can’t trust the big guns of Russia or our American cousins, it’s lucky for little old UK we have a great ally in the might of the European Union.

Oh, hang on ... I suddenly feel very queasy.