Etiquette 'expert' not welcome in Sunderland - he's far too bad-mannered
Sunderland's great venues have a wonderful and varied line-up performing here in the coming months, but be glad that one man is not among them.
William Hanson is on tour, but elsewhere. Gettin.
You see, William is a self-appointed etiquette "expert" and tickets to watch him telling people the "correct" way to peel a grape, fold a used crisp packet and scratch their own behind, cost up to £75.
According to his doolally website: "William’s ‘day job’ is as director of The English Manner, a leading UK etiquette training institute, where he advises individuals, organisations, and films on correct (sic) form and good manners.”
"Leading" and "correct" are highly subjective terms here. Willy, a former Clifton College inmate, recently made the news by releasing his video on the "correct" method of eating chips (for more of this gibberish, we recommend Debrett’s A-Z of Modern Manners).
"Good manners" takes a bit of qualifying too. This Hanson person somehow makes a living by "correcting" people whom he imagines possess inferior social graces to his own.
This, ironically, is the very antithesis of good manners and makes William an irredeemable boor and vulgarian.
There are distinctions between manners, protocol and etiquette. Manners means consideration for others. Protocol is not wearing a pink spandex boob-tube to a memorial service. Etiquette is total claptrap.
In an episode of Bottom, Richie Richard insists that a doily should be placed on his television when the Queen was on.
Of course, that was in an absurdist sitcom, but it made equal sense to decreeing the "socially acceptable" method of blowing your nose, folding stottie cakes or whatever.
It’s no good telling this “expert” to something off either. He would only lecture you on how to something off correctly; then charge you 75 quid.
Elbows off the table? As with all etiquette the response to this is the same: "Says who?" No vomiting at the table seems reasonable, but we already knew that.
You're a very rude man William, what do they teach in public schools these days? And we (politely) request that you eschew Sunderland.
*Special thanks to inverted commas for their assistance with this week's column.