Could David Attenborough lead an Animalageddon to make us ditch plastic?

Sir David Attenborough.
Sir David Attenborough.

How soon before acclaimed naturalist Sir David Attenborough amasses an animal army on our borders?

It must have crossed his mind. The guy’s been hanging around the wildest of beasts for years now and recently he’s been getting particularly shirty about animal welfare.

Last week he was talking about a ‘collapse of civilisations.’ I get the feeling he’s about to take the next step: Animalageddon.

You can’t tell me he hasn’t discussed the possibility of an uprising with some of the more intelligent of the animal kingdom.

He’d be their natural leader. If he can teach a lemur how to fire a Kalashnikov the world would sit up and take notice.

Every time I hear Sir Dave on the radio a vision of the 92-year-old sitting atop an armoured elephant swims into view.

Behind him a horde of wild creatures toting guns, spears and ornate catapults roar their defiance.

Sir Dave, shirtless, his painted face and body glistening in the moonlight, calls for calm before issuing one last plea to mankind. “Lose the plastic bags or face the wrath of the AtteMals.”

Obviously, it’s at this point we’ll all realise he’s finally lost it. I mean, AtteMals! A new race of animals following the word of Attenborough! Bit self-indulgent, don’t you think?

I was with him until that point. I don’t want to be an AtteMal. I’d probably side with the SeaIrwins. You know, the army (well, kind of Navy) set up by the ocean creatures following the teachings of crocodile hunter Steve Irwin’s daughter Bindi.

As you can probably gather, I’ve had a bit of time on my hands recently...

Animals have been getting short shrift from us humans for years. I had heard the warnings from Sir Dave, but pretty much ignored them until I was sitting on the toilet on my day off.

Reaching for the toilet roll I noticed the outline of a koala bear stamped into each sheet!

Why do we continually associate animals with toilet paper? What sort of message does that send out to youngsters? Wiping your backside with a picture of a baby marsupial every day.

It’s little wonder we appear to care little for the wellbeing of animals. If it’s not koalas (manufactured by Cushelle), it’s brown bears (Charmin) or labrador puppies (Andrex).

Is it an unconscious need to remind ourselves just exactly who is at the top of the food chain?

Even the birds aren’t immune from our scatalogical ire. Toilet duck anyone?

Of course the advertising executives will say it’s to do with the softness and comfort associated with animals, not an unconscious desire to put these creatures in their place.

I mean, if animals were to become more self-aware, the toilet roll association would be near the top of their gripes with humans, I’m sure. That, and the number of their kind we kill and eat every day.

If we are to make peace with Sir Dave’s animal army, we need to begin redressing the balance now, starting with toilet roll.

Let’s lose the animal imprints on toilet paper. Replace them with cuddly and warm humans. Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby would be a step in the right direction.

Better to wipe with Phil and Holly than be wiped out by Sir Dave and his disgruntled legions of animal warriors. Don’t you agree?