RICHARD ORD: Why I’m bullish about the petrol-free future of transport

Boring, but marginally better than the usual shot of someone’s first lager of the evening or their restaurant pizza with happy mush emojis (it’s really time for a smug face emoji, don’t you think?).

Crippling fuel prices have, however, brought into sharp focus the need for a more eco-friendly, cost-effective mode of transport for the people. Yes, you’re on the same wavelength, we’re talking cows.

Forget electric cars, cows are the obvious answer to our transport needs. Cheap to run, plentiful and environmentally-friendly.

Given that farmers continually tell us how hard-pressed they are due to the squeeze being put on them by supermarkets, I’m surprised they haven’t been riding bovines for years. I guess they’ll just choose to slum it in their top of the range Land Rovers to cock a snook at those holding the purse strings.

Cows are perfect. But I know what you’re thinking: “This is ridiculous… where would you put your coffee cup?”

A fair point, but I say: “Why bother with coffee when you’ve got milk on tap?”

Our police, of course, would need a faster mode of transport. I’m thinking giraffe. The giraffe offers greater speed, a higher vantage point and, perhaps most importantly, a sense of serenity.

Officers mounted on these majestic wonders of nature would be ideal for calming even the most volatile of situations. I often think police on giraffes should be used to quell violence at soccer games. Plus, take note Newcastle fans, giraffes are much harder to punch in the face.

There are downsides. People will still try to keep up with the Joneses. You know the types poncing around in their top of the range four-wheel drives. When they’re obsolete, you’ll get the same with cows. While people like us will be scooting round town in run-of-the-mill Friesians, the show-offs will be dropping kids off at school in an over-fed Aberdeen Angus.

Some of the hot-headed youngsters will also be racing about town on souped up Herefords with go faster stripes and over-large cow bells. Until they're pulled up by a traffic cop on a giraffe, of course.

And instead of potholes, it’ll be pat-howls (people moaning about cowpats in the street). But it’s a small price to pay for a new bovine-scented future.

But beware. In years to come, it won’t be photo posts of spiralling petrol forecourt prices clogging up your social media pages, it’ll be bale shortages at your local hay station, accompanied by a frowning cow emoji, naturally.