RICHARD ORD: When it comes to gym workouts... there’s naan better

Guess they know their market. Gyms are full of people who have overindulged in booze, fags and food and are now desperately trying to put things right. Why not put temptation their way?

I’m expecting a cigarette machine to appear soon. Right next to the treadmill.

My bodybuilding regime has come a long way since the days when you could regularly catch me at home working up a sweat on my workout bench. And by working up a sweat, I mean working up a sweat by hanging my wet washing out to dry on the bench.

I’ve never owned a better clothes horse than that old workout bench.

Today it’s a different story. You can often find me down at my local gym working out on its state- of-the-art clothes horses.

The results are there for all to see. A significant reduction in our electricity bill.

Not only am I out of the house, but I’m using the gym shower facilities. The exercise comes a distant second to having a shower at the gym’s expense.

Physically, there’s little change. Although my face is often redder. And I limp a lot more.

While I do hate the gym, I was forced to get myself there after tearing a calf muscle playing cricket.

It would be nice to report that I sustained the injury while sprinting to clinch the winning run off the last ball in the cup final. A victory which would see me carried aloft on my teammates shoulders to rapturous applause from a delirious crowd. Alas it was no such champagne moment. Unless you count pulling up during a first round defeat and being given a fireman’s lift off the pitch as a champagne moment! My teammates seemed to find it funny.

The physio thought it funny too.

“How long before I get back playing,” I asked.

“If you were a professional athlete you could be up and running in six weeks,” he said. He looked me up and down.

“So I’ll be back in eight weeks?” I asked hopefully.

“Probably twelve,” he said.

But I did it in six. If fact, this week I limped a personal best of 15 minutes 32 seconds when getting from the gym to the takeaway. Extra onion bhajis all round I say.