RICHARD ORD: Tongs ... can only get better!

With lockdown restrictions being eased in a bid to get the economy back to a slow descent into oblivion rather than a perilously steep one, preparations are being made to get the kids back into education.

Which means son number one is heading to uni. Our Bradley has drawn up a list of everything he needs to survive. He ran through it last night.

Plates, yes, pots, yes, cutlery, obviously, egg whisk…

I stopped him there. Egg whisk?

“Yeah,” he said, “for cooking.”

“You’re going to have trouble perforating the film lid on your ready-meals with an egg whisk,” I told him.

He continued: Frying pan, okay, cheese grater…

A cheese grater! Under University Essentials? Surely he could survive by just slicing the cheese and crumbling it on top of his Cheerios, or whatever students eat these days.

What next, I asked, a tortilla press? A strawberry huller? Pasta tongs!

“Yes,” he said. “I’ve got tongs on the list.”

I was beginning to worry. My son was starting to sound almost sophisticated. Even I don’t have serving tongs. Two large wooden spoons does the trick. Quick, cheap and efficient, as long as you don’t mind a little pasta sauce down your front. (You know the rules, don’t wear white when eating pasta at the Ords.)

I needn’t have worried. “Oh,” he added. “And I need flags.”

Flags?

“Yeah,” he said. “To hang out of my window. Ideally in team colours. Got to let everyone know where I’m from.”

That’s more like it, I thought.

“I can supply you with pots and pans and kitchen stuff,” I told him, “But is there anything else I can get you … to help you with your education ideally?”

He pondered the thought. We are a nation in trouble. Our virus-battered government is pushing to kickstart the economy and get our children back to school to ensure our future is in safe hands. The nation is looking to the youth, to people like my son … they could be our saviours.

“Can you get me a lava lamp?” he said.

Man the lifeboats...