RICHARD ORD: The secret of being hot between the sheets
If I’m found burned to a crisp under the duvet all tangled up in hairdryer cable, don’t believe the coroner when he says this may have been a sex game gone wrong.
Actually, on second thoughts, believe him. Far more exciting than the truth of the matter.
While entertaining friends the other night, a married couple excitedly revealed one of their secrets of a good night between the sheets on these cold nights.
Such was their enthusiasm to tell us, I assumed it was the prelude to some kinky bedroom adventure I’d never heard of before.
And, as a man of the world, I have accumulated a vast collection of nocturnal activities to spice up any relationship, believe me. Well, about three. And one of those is ‘lights on’. (I’ll stop there before things get too hot under the collar, but you get the drift.)
As my slice of pork crackling hovered inches from my gaping mouth (this isn’t a sexy metaphor, it’s what I was eating at the time) they recounted this ‘amazing’ tale.
Turns out their secret wasn’t so much kinky as the stuff of a health and safety officer’s nightmares.
In essence, their answer to a cold bed is to blast a hairdryer under the duvet covers! The pair of them create what they affectionately call the ‘hairdryer tent’ by sitting under the blankets with the dryer on ‘full hot’ mode. They then wallow in the warmth.
“You ought to try it,” they said, faces beaming.
My eyebrows raised and I nodded my appreciation. But behind my frozen smile, I knew it was never going to happen.
Firstly, there’s the cost. I’m all for a bit of extravagance every now and then (hey, we have mini-whisk for frothing up hot milk for our morning coffee) but running a hairdryer until the bed’s warm (a double bed at that) is beyond the pale. Have you seen energy bills recently?
There’s also the question of socket availability. All the extension cable sockets are occupied, and I ain’t unplugging Alexa. She might hate me for it.
Last, but by no means least, is health and safety. I haven’t read the safety instructions on a hairdryer for some time, but I bet there’s something in there about the dangers of using them in enclosed spaces next to inflammable materials.
Plus, we have a dog. With my luck, it wouldn’t surprise me if my partner and I jumping under the covers with a roaring hairdryer didn’t anger our one-eyed cockapoo, resulting in him launching an attack.
Those gnashers could sever the cable, spark a fire and before you know it – three crispy bodies on a smoking mattress. That’s not how I want to go.
Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s better than Fifty Shades of Toast!
Cold nights? I’ll sleep with my socks on, thank you very much.