RICHARD ORD: The fickle 'fat finger' of fate falls on King Charles III

LONDON, ENGLAND - MAY 06: King Charles III and Queen Camilla wave from The Buckingham Palace balcony after the Coronation of King Charles III and Queen Camilla on May 06, 2023 in London, England. The Coronation of Charles III and his wife, Camilla, as King and Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and the other Commonwealth realms takes place at Westminster Abbey today. Charles acceded to the throne on 8 September 2022, upon the death of his mother, Elizabeth II. (Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)

That said, our giant-fingered royal probably doesn’t care, he’s in the book anyway.

King Charles III currently holds the record for being the longest heir apparent in history. Which makes his need to use cue cards during the coronation ceremony a bit weird. I mean, he only had 70 years and 214 days waiting as first in the line to learn the words off by heart. An actor pal of mine was disgusted. I suggested that Charles was scared to make a mistake which meant, for fear of cocking up, he insisted on the prompts. ‘There’s your headline there then,’ my pal ventured. ‘Coronation Chicken!’

Maybe Charles should have pulled out the royal Biro and written the words on the back of his hand. To be fair, most would have fitted on the back of his enormous middle finger.

Will I be accused of fat finger shaming? I hope not. When the heavy hand of destiny rests upon your shoulder, I guess you must get nervous. And, in case Charles is thinking of chasing another record, the biggest hand ever belonged to Robert Pershing Wadlow. It measured 12.75ins.

Maybe the inflated digits were some sort of allergic reaction. My girlfriend told me the other day that all her make-up and bathroom products were ecologically sound. ‘Nothing’s been tested on animals,’ she said. But then does that mean they go straight from the mixing pot to a human face? I’m not so sure I respect cosmetic companies with such a blase attitude towards their customers.

Don’t get me wrong, I am uncomfortable with beagles smoking fags and mice wearing lipstick, but I get why scientists may want to test on animals before unleashing products to market. But surely going straight to the customer is a risk. Unless they do test on humans first. Maybe there’s a huge Charlotte Tilbury experimental holding pen in Guatemala. Rather than rows of battery hens, there’s battery humans (I’m thinking students) being powdered with untested blushers. If the student’s face balloons up after a dusting with a shimmering rose pink prototype blusher, then it’s back to the drawing board.

Anyway, that might be it. Charles’s fat fingers are not the result of too many coronation quiches, but the awful symptoms of a rare but debilitating condition. He’s allergic to crowns!