RICHARD ORD: The day I entered a new dimension of gnasher polishing

Turns out my book was almost overdue and they were warning me that they ‘no longer charge fines for overdue books.’ Ooh! No fine. Whatever can I do?

After a while though, the words seemed quite menacing. I mean, if they don’t fine you, what do they do? I played safe and returned the book.

I asked reception to help me renew the book. Oddly, given the technological age in which we live, they still have an ink pad and a hand-held date stamper. The librarian stamped my book. Then paused when handing it back. Something wasn’t quite right. She stamped it again.

I checked out why. First time round she’d stamped it upside down.

I like that attention to detail. I guess she feared people would keep the book for too long, claiming the date stamp was ‘Unclear. Like it was Chinese or something.’

‘No, it was just upside down.’ Turns head. ‘Oh yeah.’

‘We’re still going to have to not fine you.’

That wasn’t the only oddity this week. My current life-partner bought me a new toothpaste because she knew I’d find the blurb on the packaging amusing.

She got me the new Oral-B toothpaste. This product is, unlike your pathetic toothpaste, 3D White Advanced. Which makes it streets ahead of your flat and depthless 2D rubbish. Mine’s 3D. And they’ve ‘advanced’ the white. There it is, marching imperiously into a gleaming future.

But it doesn’t end there. This, according to the packaging, is the Luxe Glamorous White tube. Not the bog-standard dowdy white you lather on your grubby tooty pegs. No, this is the white that screams ‘Look at me’ before breezing into a party, flicking her bouncing locks, then grabbing a flute of champers from the gawping waiter’s silver platter and winking at the camera. You know, THAT white. MY white.

Oh, and it also boasts something called ‘smooth whitening.’ None of your rough round the edges whitening here. No way.

Anyway, I bet you’re dying to hear how it transformed my gnashers? Well, you’ll have to wait. I forgot to take it home.