RICHARD ORD: Running low on lockdown coffee, toilet rolls and sanity

As indicators of how bad things are getting, that’s pretty much up there with the best.

It was, however, a useful exercise. After listening to the negotiating expert on Jeremy Vine’s show I agreed to release one of my two sons I’d manacled to a radiator in exchange for pizza.

The police said they will consider my request for a plane to Sweden if I hand over the guns. They gave me 24 hours.

After toilet roll and coffee supplies, keeping your sanity is one of the more pressing concerns of lockdown. But just how sane is the general public?

Before a recent episode of Eastenders the announcer explained that what they were about to show had been recorded before the lockdown and current social distancing guidelines.

Why? They didn’t feel the need to say that before screening Killing Eve or Bargain Hunt, so why do it for EastEnders?

I can only assume that the powers-that-be at the BBC fear there is a large majority of their viewing public who believe the soap is not fiction but a documentary on life in the East End of London.

If radio and TV are losing it, where do you turn? Politicians?

Not sure what to make of Trump (though it would be nice to see a WWE wrestling tag team with an interest in origami fold him into a freestanding swan).

Should we be more worried about his public ramblings on the possibility of detergent injections as a cure for COVID-19 or the fact that US citizens started looking up the merits of doing just that?

If you want to turn to God, you can do it online now. Which I think is a good thing.

Churches have been shut down, but there have been plenty of religious services doing the rounds online. Great stuff. Though on seeing the news broadcasts on these virtual services, I felt God was getting a pretty easy ride.

If he’s got something to do with this pandemic, then the sooner his congregation get the answers the better. Personally, I’d get Piers Morgan or Jeremy Vine to put the questions to The Almighty rather than that Justin Welby. I’m beginning to suspect Justin has a vested interest...