RICHARD ORD: Drawing a line under the beard debate

If you get the chance today, grab a pen and scribble a beard on my column profile picture if you could please.

Wednesday, 10th November 2021, 12:00 am
A cut above. An idiot slicing his face with a razor (picture posed by model).

Times are hard in the newspaper industry and doing so would save us having to go to the trouble of taking a new photograph.

You may also want to draw in a more modern pair of spectacles on my face too and, if you have a fine nib pencil, you could scribble a few more lines under the eyes. It gives a more accurate picture of this ageing columnist.

The truth is important to us journalists (I know, because I read it on the back of matchbox once) and so by adding a beard and some wrinkles on my mush with felt tips and crayons you get a more accurate representation.

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To be fair, I know a lot of our readers already take the time to do this. On many occasions I have found a discarded copy of this fine publication and, more often than not, they’ve gone to town on my face with a Biro.

Very impressive work it is too. But for the record, I don’t have an eyepatch, a dunce’s cap or an arrow through my head as many of you seem to think.

Updating my column photograph also gives you more to do. Makes your newspaper more interactive, don’t you think? Just like the word wide web really.

Anyway, on the subject of beards, my son managed to cut himself shaving with my razor this week. Why he was doing that is beyond me. It seemed windy enough outside to blow away the fine fluffy whiskers on his cheeks.

‘What do I do?’ he said, dabbing at the blood on his face, ‘It won’t stop bleeding.’

‘Get a tiny piece of loo roll,’ I said, ‘Lick it, and stick it over the cut.’

Not for the first time in his life, he looked at me like I was a madman.

That gentlemen’s grooming companies haven’t jumped on a treatment for shaving cuts is a missed opportunity. I’m sure they could monetise this like they did with beard oil.

The world is currently rocked by rising oil prices which has seen a typical barrel of crude oil being sold for more than £60 a barrel - resulting in diesel petrol topping £1.50 a litre at the pumps.

That’s small beer compared to beard oil. A gift of this facial hair grooming product cost £15 for 30mls. By my calculation, that means beard oil is currently retailing at the equivalent of £80,000 a barrel.

At that price, our Isaac needs to keep shaving while I rethink my facial hair policy. Perhaps drawn on beards is the way forward… keep up the good work.