RICHARD ORD: Death by shark or Tory conference? You decide...

Then, on my weekly supermarket shop, I was confronted with the ‘new’ Asda Shades double rolls ‘enriched with a sweet and fruity fragrance.’

And do you know what fragrance best compliments your bum cheeks? Turns out it’s strawberry and watermelon. Who’d have thunk it?

Toilet paper may be entering a new phase. How long before we see a moody Johnny Depp crouching down in the desert with his shovel before pulling out a sheet of Sauvage-infused bog roll? Eau De Toilette paper, anyone? You read it here first.

The surprise supermarket item was a welcome distraction from the politics of this week. It’s Tory conference time. Wall to wall waffling MPs.

Home secretary Suella Braverman is one of my particular favourites. As I mentioned last week, she went to America and told everyone who would listen that multiculturalism had failed in Britain. A statement which, even to my failing eyesight, seemed odd. As the daughter of two Indian immigrants she knows how impossible it is to rise to any position of prominence in the UK. Just ask struggling Rishi Sunak, her boss.

Anyway she felt compelled this week to clarify her comments. When she said the actual words ‘It has failed’ what she meant was ‘we have a great multi-ethnic society’ adding ‘integration has worked.’ Glad she cleared that up.

She should have picked a less problematic issue like Donald Trump did this week. Given a choice of death by shark or death by electrocution, he’d go electrocution. ‘I will take electrocution every single time,’ he reiterated in a televised campaign speech. Joe Biden has yet to respond but if he had any gumption he’d run with the opposite viewpoint. Go shark Joe. Electrocution, in God’s America, is the preferred method of disposing of murderers. Joe should play on that. ‘Of course, Trump would go electrocution… it’s how we deal with our worst criminals.’ And a President v Shark end to a term in office would be a surefire ratings winner.

Anyway, I doubt Rishi will go down the preferred-mode-of-death route in politics, he’s trudging slowly towards HS2 oblivion. Whatever he says on the subject, I can recommend an apt and fragrant product with which to wipe his mouth afterwards…