RICHARD ORD: Boris Johnson reaches new level of absurdity

Boris Johnson has warned us that the coronavirus situation is, in his words, “flashing at us like dashboard warnings in a passenger jet.” Crikey! That gets the heart racing.
Prime Minister Boris Johnston illustrating the safest distance between hands for the handshake.Prime Minister Boris Johnston illustrating the safest distance between hands for the handshake.
Prime Minister Boris Johnston illustrating the safest distance between hands for the handshake.

If you’ve ever seen the dashboard of a passenger jet then you know that alone it’s complicated enough to get the heart thumping, never mind the introduction of flashing lights.

But then again, I’m not a pilot. My heart races when the doorbell rings.

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And that’s the problem with Boris’s use of metaphors and imaginative language, it only adds to the confusion.

If a flashing passenger jet dashboard gets the PM panicking, well that’s because he doesn’t know how to fly a plane! So we should all panic.

If he really wants his metaphor to work, he ought to appear on his TV broadcasts in a pilot’s hat. One of those old World War Two leather ones with goggles and ear-flaps would be most appropriate.

During his Tory Party conference speech he longed for the day when “We no longer have to greet each other by touching elbows, as in some giant national version of the birdy dance.”

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Great image. But kind of belittles the situation. And for all he knows, we may never return to shaking hands. In truth, shaking hands is far more bizarre than touching elbows.

Gripping someone’s hand and then shaking it up and down for an unspecified length of time? It’s just plain weird. Better, and safer, just to raise the eyebrows and grunt “yu’alright?” And who under 30 even knows what the birdy dance is anyway? Boris only adding to confusion again.

My favourite though, is the new three tier system of coronavirus restrictions. Not easy to follow, but if you concentrate hard enough it can be done.

What adds to the confusion, and I’m convinced that Boris added this bit, is the naming of the new three tiers. Medium, High and Very High! Where else in life do you have those levels? It’s like Spinal Tap’s volume buttons. “These go to 11.”

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What was wrong with Low, Medium and High? I guess it gives the opportunity to introduce more levels in the future. How about Extremely High? Super High? Finishing with ‘Scuse Me While I Kiss the Sky…”

When we’re at ‘Lick Your Neighbour’s Toilet Seat’ level we’ll know everything’s back to normal.

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