I raged against the litter louts and won... I think

​I ask because, walking home this week, I watched as a bloke ahead of me thought it perfectly acceptable to flip his empty fag packet onto the pavement without breaking stride.

Before I knew what was happening, I was picking up the discarded cigarette box and speeding towards him. What to do?

There were options. I could approach with a polite: ‘Excuse me, but you appear to have dropped this,’ and hand him his litter.

Alternatively, I could approach with a polite: ‘Excuse me, but you appear to have dropped this,’ and shove it in his face.

The distance between us was shortening.

I began weighing the situation up like a hardened military veteran in the mould of Jack Reacher. Was that lump in his breast pocket a gun? Did he have back up? Should I garrot him with a length of piano wire or call in an air-strike?

Damn, I’d left the piano wire at home.

We were a yard apart. He could probably feel me breathing down his neck.

Physically, how did we match up? Bonus, I was definitely taller than him. That said, I’m also taller than Colin McGregor. Recalculate.

What sort of shape was he in? Difficult to tell. At least I knew he smoked.

He looked mid-fifties, but dressed like Marty McFly: chunky trainers, jeans, sleeveless puffer, hoodie, baseball cap, and shades.

Too weird to get physical with I thought (like I was ever going to get into a fight), I’m going to have to change tack.

I was now within touching distance. Aha, I’ve got it. I’ll drop the packet in his hood and vanish. He’d be none the wiser but I’d take pleasure imagining his bewildered face on discovering the fag packet that evening. ‘Eh, how did that get there? I threw it away this morning! Didn’t I?’

But his hood was flat. No drop zone.

Then I saw it – a litter bin ahead of us. With his discarded packet held aloft, I swept past and, in an overly dramatic arc, deposited it in the bin right in front of him. And walked on.

He said nothing. A victory for the common man? Maybe. I dunno.

Should definitely have dumped him head first in the nearest wheelie bin. Maybe next time…