I haven’t been late for work since Tuesday – so where’s my knighthood?

His statement, issued after bravely slithering out of Parliament rather than be held to account, was the expected bitter, ad hominem tantrum. The old Etonian, Oxfordian, ex-PM and son of a financier blamed the… er … Establishment.

That was only part of the fun. The real comedy came from his much anticipated resignation “honours” list.

We had a taste last year when he knighted Gavin Williamson for services to Something Yet To Be Made Known. But that was a mere hors d'oeuvre.

Critics claim that shameless toadying was the sole requirement for a gong. Not so. They should realise that Nadine Dorries must be wondering just how much more sycophantic she could have been. She too is leaving the Commons in a huff.

Nevertheless, we have to wonder. Two short-serving SPADs, not especially long out of school, were among 12 new life peers.

A similar length of service at McDonald’s would get you three of a possible five stars. Elsewhere, it can evidently place you in the House of Lords.

Old jokes about including a successful negotiation of the Cycling Proficiency Test in a CV have now worn notably thin. A comparable achievement today can secure a minimum MBE.

The OBE conferred upon Mr Johnson’s hairdresser is, in a sense, the most notable of the backslaps as it’s surely the one which is furthest beyond the reach of satire.

It all gives me a sense of entitlement; if not ennoblement. I mean, where’s mine?

I haven’t been late for work since Tuesday, have yet to murder anyone, haven’t touched a drop of gin for seven hours (at the time of writing) and wash regularly. It’s also been almost a month since I was barred from Joseph’s.

And these myriad achievements are only my latest. Where’s my ruddy knighthood?

I am aware of the serious side to all this, but too shallow to do more than snigger. So I’ll settle for the Order of the Garter; to the usual address please.