Annus Horribilis II... the messy royal sequel nobody asked for
Is it time to tuck the royal family up in bed and switch off the lights? Whenever the subject of the walking catastrophe formerly known as Prince Andrew comes up, royal loyalists leap onto the airwaves to breathlessly remind us: ‘In Britain, a man is innocent until proven guilty.’ True enough, justice matters. But then… Jimmy Savile!?!
Sometimes the public simply go with their gut. Just because you spent years hanging around a convicted sex offender who mingled with the rich and powerful and happened to own a private island, doesn’t necessarily mean you were involved in anything improper.
And just because you’re pictured with a young woman who later says she was trafficked, doesn’t prove guilt either. He denies it. She stood by it. And the whole thing went away (almost) via a reported £12 million settlement – without admission of liability, of course. His legal team has always maintained the settlement was to avoid prolonged distress, not because the allegations were true.
We all remember the interview. A masterclass in car crash TV (or should that be royal carriage crash TV?)
Still, credit where credit is due. As royalists tell us, the king has acted quickly. And by ‘quickly’ read: letting it simmer for years and then removing titles of which most he’d already agreed to surrender, relocating him to a different royal bolthole and providing a helpful bundle of cash support to soften the blow. A velvet fist inside a velvet glove.
It is, once again, an annus horribilis for the Windsors. (That’s Latin for horrible anus, for those who didn’t take classics at comprehensive school.)
At this point, wouldn’t it be kinder to let the monarchy retire gracefully? Let them keep their faces on coins. Tradition matters – especially to vending machines – but reclaim the £22 billion of palaces and gazillion acres of land and do something useful with it.
A Sandringham Wetherspoons maybe: Who’s for a Bucks Palace Fizz? Or what about a Balmoral Adventure Park - like Alton Towers, but posher. Forget The Smiler, try The Sweater: A Budgie the Helicopter-themed rollercoaster ride where the challenge is to ride it without breaking sweat.
At least we could all finally get to see inside Buckingham Palace while the Windsors have what they clearly need: A break from public scrutiny and a quiet life in a normal house somewhere. Next door to a Pizza Express in Woking, perhaps?
And, just in case there’s something in the legal small print that says the royals can still behead their errant subjects, let me repeat: Andrew has consistently denied all allegations and has never been convicted of any offence.