Christmas songs can't win - but these must be the worst, in my view

Christmas songs can't win. They are either good but played to death, dreadful, or both dreadful and played to death.

This official (ie. we say so) top 10 most grating is purely opinion, not fact. Let's go pop-pickers.

10. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Rudolph is a weed and the bullies go unavenged; not even a short suspension of their reindeer games. Also an implausible series of events.

9. Do They Know It's Christmas: Band Aid. Well-intended, but even Mssrs Geldof and Ure don't like this hastily written mess; particularly the "Z-Cars" middle eight.

8. Last Christmas: Wham! Annual slop-fest which misguidedly rhymes "year" with "tears" when "diarrhoea" was an option.

7. 21st Century Christmas: Cliff Richard. Cliff's a great singer, but sometimes his choice of songs... Mentions "goodwill to men", but tests the concept sorely. We are then bizarrely urged to "fax Tiny Tim a thank you".

A number two in 2006, but now largely forgotten; the Christmas miracle we all wanted.

6. We Wish You a Merry Christmas: Quite pleasant, until the extortion commences with thinly veiled threats of violence if figgy pudding is not forthcoming. "We won't go until we get some" is something the Krays might have said.

5. A Spaceman Came Travelling: Chris de Burgh. He can keep travelling too. NASA must be appalled.

4. Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas: John Denver. ("Just last year when I was only seven; Now I'm almost eight as you can see; You came home a quarter past eleven; And fell down underneath our Christmas tree").

It's difficult to decide if the late Mr Denver had a great sense of humour, or none at all

3. Mistletoe and Wine: Cliff Richard. Needs no elaboration, although blokes used to ironically headbang to this in the Old Twenty-Nine. Not Cliff's worst though; that would be Saviour's Day.

2. Saviour's Day: Cliff Richard. Number one in 1990, but lacked the cutting edge and social commentary of Mistletoe and Wine.

1. All I Want For Christmas is You: Mariah Carey. This monstrosity alone justifies an inflation-busting salary for supermarket staff. Remember, supermarkets think Christmas begins in August. Amnesty International are aware.

The woman has a five-octave range, yet chooses to use it for this.