'I refuse to believe Champagne corks are bigger killers than sharks'
According to statistics, you are four times more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than you are a shark.
Not everyone, that is, just specifically YOU! I know where you live and I’m determined you should suffer a rare and comical death.
If I can combine the two grisly endings, all the better. A shark firing the fatal Champagne cork blow would be just perfect. You have been warned. Leave the logistics to me. If I can just find a watertight Nissan Micra and some sort of fin-mounted firing mechanism, your death would be the drive-by to end all drive-bys.
Statistics, of course, can be misleading. News that drinking Champagne reduces the risk of cardiac arrest caught my eye like the speeding cork from a poorly aimed magnum.
According to research in the Canadian Journal of Cardiology (available from all good newsagents, priced 40p), people who quaff the popular celebratory tipple are less likely to suffer a sudden cardiac arrest. Well, that’s how I chose to read it. The details were scant, but the words Champagne and ‘reduce risk’ loomed large.
The ‘evidence’ of the incredible life-saving properties of Champagne began to wobble on further investigation.
The article said: ‘Researchers found that factors such as higher consumption of champagne, increased fruit intake, along with maintaining a positive mood, weight management, blood pressure control and improved education, may serve as important protective factors.’
Hmm, don’t go replacing those defibrillators with bottles of Moët & Chandon just yet.
I can’t help feeling that we didn’t need this study. I suspect, though I have no peer-reviewed evidence for this, that people who drink Champagne regularly may be quite well off. And quite well-off people tend to be healthier, what with their better diets, jobs and access to private health care.
It’s like saying people who drive top of the range Maserati Spyders live longer. They do, but it’s nothing to do with the car.
Anyway, that’s the least of your worries. It’s the Great White shark, wielding a shaken bottle of Veuve Clicquot, that should really be at the forefront of your mind. Sleep with one eye open…