Richard Edwards, 47, told a court he could not hope to get to work in North Yorkshire – and would immediately quit his employment.
A court heard he crashed his Renault Clio into a parked motor just yards from his home in Waterford Green, Pennywell, at 11.30pm on Sunday, April 17.
His victim was alerted by a ‘bang’ and went outside to find Edwards trying to start his vehicle – and walking away when he failed.
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Prosecutor Claire Armstrong told magistrates in South Tyneside: “The complainant parked her car outside her home in Parkhurst Road.
“She heard a loud bang and looked outside to see that a small, dark car had crashed into her vehicle.
“The driver was trying to drive his vehicle away, but due to damage that was not possible.
“The defendant then left the scene. The police were given his description and they found him near a white van.
“He stated in interview that he had driven to a garage and was on his way back when he had misread the road, and crashed.
“He said he had had five pints of Coors, but didn’t feel drunk.”
Edwards, who moved to Sunderland from Wales last year, gave a breath test reading of 58mcg of alcohol in 100ml of breath. The legal limit is 35mcg.
He pleaded guilty to drink-driving, blotting his previous law-abiding character.
Chris Wilson, defending, said Edwards had driven to buy non-alcoholic drinks for a family gathering – and denied he had left the scene.
Mr Wilson added: “On his way back, there was a car on the corner that he collided with.
“He was aware that he was causing an obstruction, and moved his vehicle. The police attended.
“He won’t be able to get to his job at Catterick, he won’t be able to drive. This offence will have a significant impact on him.”
Magistrates banned Edwards from driving for 16 months and fined him £120, with £85 court costs and a £34 victim surcharge.
John Fleet, chair of the bench, told him: “I’m afraid your life has changed significantly. Actions have consequences.”