Richard Ord: Secret to a long life finally revealed, hic!
The secret of a long life, you may be pleased to hear, is down to alcohol consumption.
This is, in newspaper articles, the most cited reason for a long life as revealed by people who have reached the age of 100 or more.
Molly Turner, of Washington, reached her 104th birthday this week and the secret of her long life was put down to … whisky.
As ever, the actual volume of spirit consumed is not revealed, but I think we can safely say it is under a bottle a day.
“A little bit of what you fancy does you good,” is the most common response to the secret of the long life.
Google it! There’s loads of spirits named as the secret of a long life. Whisky, sherry and port are always getting a mention.
Personally, I think dark forces within the alcohol industry are at work. As soon as a person hits 99, the multi-national distilleries send out a hit squad to bribe the pensioner into advocating their brand. The soon-to-be 100-year-old is given a bottle of gin and a suitcase full of money. “When the local newspaper comes calling on your 100th birthday,” the distillery rep whispers, “you make sure you tell them the secret of a long life is gin.” They then push the cash laden suitcase under their bed. “And this is yours,” they say before disappearing into the night.
The result is numerous articles from 100-year-olds putting their long life down to alcohol. It’s a thought that seeps into the psyche of the nation. “A little bit of what you fancy does you no harm.” Better than an expensive TV campaign.
You never hear centenarians saying their long life is down to eating five pieces of fruit a day and regular exercise! You know why? ‘Cos the NHS doesn’t have financial clout of the alcohol industry to bribe the elderly.
I mention this because, as I revealed last week, I have returned to the gym in a bid to lose a few pounds, regain a little fitness and, of course, to help me live forever.
It’s part of my Ordinary Bloke’s Health and Fitness Workout Video, plan.
The hard part is picking up the lingo. Exercise regimes involve performing three sets of 12 reps with rests in between. A ‘rep’ is short for repetition. A ‘set’ is short for setitition. Stop me if it’s getting too complicated.
The experts recommend you rest between sets to improve muscle growth. My Ordinary Bloke’s Health and Fitness Workout Video will recommend a rest of between four and five days between sets (don’t want to burn yourself out too early).
There are a few exercises you can perform to achieve your goals. Pull Ups are popular. I always ensure my waistband is pulled up above my belly button.
Bench presses are essential. Give your bench a good hard press with your thumbs - don’t want it collapsing under your weight when you go to sleep on it.
Chin Ups are not, contrary to popular belief, an exercise. Merely an observation. The number of chins in the average 50-year-old at the gym is up by about three on when they were 21.
l Send your Ordinary Bloke exercise ideas to me. The best will be printed ... and maybe performed.