Richard Ord: A new take on the idea of toilet training
A new lifestyle study out this week reveals we spend more time on the toilet than we do exercising!
Naturally, it has sparked fears that we a leading too sedentary a lifestyle and putting our health at risk.
According to the report, we spend three hours nine minutes on the lavatory every week, but only 90 minutes exercising.
Three hours on the loo? I should be so lucky. My wife and children make sure there is no rest for the wicked … or dad/husband. I don’t know how things are in your home, but as soon as my backside touches the toilet seat my name is shouted out from the other end of the house.
Family demands on me to catch spiders, fix broken drawers or empty the bins, seem to be synchronised with my bowel movements.
The toilet survey got me thinking. Perhaps there’s a gap in the market which could allay the concerns of health boffins while making me a pretty penny or two.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Toilet Gym.
If the concern is time spent on the toilet rather than exercising, then a re-imagining of the lavatory is in order.
There are some easy wins. A weighted seat is obvious. Work those biceps with a toilet seat weighing in at between 100 and 150lbs.
Cable toilet roll dispensers could work the shoulders. Instead of the traditional dispenser next to the toilet, have your toilet rolls attached to weighted pulleys on the opposite side of the lav which you have to heave over to wipe.
Flushing can also provide opportunities for muscle development or a good cardio routine.
I’m toying with the idea of a spring-loaded flushing mechanism to give the wrists and forearms a decent work-out. Failing that, a removal of the traditional lever mechanism altogether and a return to the bucket flush method. This will involve the toilet-user to travelling between the kitchen and toilet carrying buckets of water to flush away the doings! The shuttle runs with full buckets in both hands will get the heart-rate up.
To really get the muscles pumping, there needs to be rethink of the toilet bowl. Instead of the current three foot high toilet bowls, I’m thinking 12ft or higher.
You have to scale the toilet to use it – a bit like a climbing wall.
It is important however, to get the name of this fitness toilet product right, something that links using a lavatory to exercising. Considering you urinate in the toilet, I thought Wee Fit might a good name, but I believe it may already be taken.
Given the smell, instead of bench press, you could have Stench Press? They call weight training pumping iron, how about Dumping Iron?
Ideally, to keep it catchy, it would be good if the toilet gym name could rhyme. Unfortunately, for the life of me, I can’t think of any toilet activity that rhymes with Fit.
Any suggestions would be gratefully received.