If you are attacked by clowns, my advice is to go for the juggler.
That’s what I told my 12-year-old son who has been caught up in the Killer Clown mania sweeping the nation’s school yards. But who can blame him for his unease?
It must be difficult trying to make you way to school through the sea of slavering clowns leaping from every bush. And how off-putting for pupils with all those painted faces staring, dead-eyed, through the classroom window during Geography. The gentle tapping of the hunting knife on the glass being particularly irritating.
Of course, there has been no such thing.
If there was a Killer Clown problem, the teachers on clown watch at our boys’ schools would have spotted them by now. I kid you not, there are clown patrols in our community!
One school headteacher was forced to issue us parents with a clown update email. It made for amusing reading. Here are some extracts.
“Today, at lunchtime, our pupils got themselves whipped up into a frenzy because someone started a rumour that there was indeed a clown lurking around the High School’s fields.
“I can assure you that there was no clown. I personally went out to deal with the situation and was greeted by two members of staff from the High School who were out on “clown watch”.
“In the event that one of these clowns does appear, the school would immediately contact the police and bring the pupils into the main building.”
By sheer coincidence, the circus is in town. The sight of the big top in a nearby field has only fuelled the Killer Clown hysteria.
The circus organisers have been travelling through our town, depositing flyers under the windscreen wipers of parked cars. A good way of generating publicity you’d have though, except the schoolkids are saying they are the calling cards of the Killer Clowns.
Our Isaac, 12, told us that “If you have a flyer on your car, the Killer Clowns will get you.”
The result being that all the flyers are being dumped in the bins by the kids.
If the flyers don’t work, the next step for the circus could be to send out some characters to drum up business. God help them if they send in the clowns. There could be carnage.
Which is a pity, because, I think scaring the bejesus out children is character-building. It can prepare them for adult life, where whipping the nation into a frenzy of fear has replaced traditional political debate.
Fear of Killer Clowns has probably done for the circus, what the scare stories and wild exaggerations did for our membership of the European Union. And there were no shortage of clowns to emerge out of that mess.
For the sensible majority in our community, Killer Clown hysteria has left a nasty taste in the mouth. Not surprising really, because, as any cannibal will tell you, clowns taste funny.