Richard Ord: Why I scream for ice cream lunacy

“Should we pray?” he said. “I’m being serious. Should we pray?”

He wasn’t joking. There was desperation in his eyes.

It probably wasn’t the time to get into the ‘does God exist’ debate, but I humoured him with the response: “You can, but I suspect he’s got other things on his plate at the moment.”

As it turned out, God clearly doesn’t like the Croatians. He gave them the divine nod over England (he’s always had it in for us) and dangled the most glittering of prizes in football in front of Croat noses, before snatching it away on the big stage.

God works in mysterious ways, but I never had him down as a France supporter!

My biggest disappointment was that Harry Kane was given the Golden Boot.

What about the other strikers? Shouldn’t they have been given a trophy too?

It wasn’t their fault they didn’t score as many goals. Some of them were in teams knocked out in the group stages. And some got injured, so couldn’t play. They must have been devastated to see that shiny football trophy being given to Kane. It’s not fair.

At this point you may think I’ve gone mad. Of course, Kane should have been given the Golden Boot, he scored the most goals.

What I was doing, was applying the same logic of a dad who made the news this week.

Graham Robson was fuming to discover that children with good attendance at Hasting Hill Academy were rewarded with an ice cream.

As he said, it was a hot summer’s day, and what about those youngsters who didn’t get an ice cream, it wasn’t their fault.

He said: “For some of them to be taken out of the class to get an ice cream and not others is cruel. They are just innocent bairns.”

The support he gained online was truly remarkable. You’d have thought those who didn’t achieve the above 96% attendance record to receive an award were beaten within an inch of their lives. They weren’t, they just didn’t get an ice cream. Boo hoo. If only shops sold ice creams eh?

There were suggestions that instead of an ice cream, a certificate would have been more appropriate. Perhaps Harry Kane would appreciate a photocopied sheet of A4 with a clip art football as his reward instead of a Golden Boot too.

As it is, the irony of the ice cream ‘reward’ on a hot day is the fact that the eating of an ice cream actually raises the body temperature, such is the sugar content of cone and cream. If you want an ice cream to cool you down, don’t eat it, stick in on your head!

I know this because I had a 100% attendance at school. It’s something to be rewarded, dontcha fink?

As one wag commented on our Facebook page, “Kids just found out life isn’t fair.” Too true. And if in doubt, blame God.