WHAT a year its been. The Royal Wedding, Libya liberated, Bin Laden gunned down and Pat Butcher popping her clogs on EastEnders. Earth-shattering events every one of them.
As is traditional in newspapers around this time, I have decided to painstakingly review my entire year’s back catalogue of stories and rehash them as some sort of spurious 2011 awards ceremony.
It’s illuminating, enlightening and ultimately easier than writing something new, I give you the Ord New Year’s Honours List.
For Services to Preposterous Clock Making:
Dr John Taylor
Sunderland inventor Dr John Taylor of this parish who was awarded the OBE for services to time measurement. He invented the £1million gold-plated insect clock.
This amazing timepiece now hangs in Cambridge University. For those wondering, the time on the clock shows 25 to mechanical grasshopper.
Plain English Award:
City Hospitals Sunderland
Job losses no longer exist thanks to the NHS. Instead of referring to redundancies earlier this year, a spokesman for City Hospitals Sunderland NHS Foundation Trust said the service’s aim was to “create vacancies that do not need to be replaced.” Most reassuring. Not.
Crime Initiative of the Year: Northumbria Police
How can we thwart the dreaded handbag thief? Easy, revealed Northumbria Police, tie little bells to you handbags.
“Thieves trying to snatch a bag will trigger the bell.” Brilliant. And why stop there?
Attach bells to all your property and thievery will surely become a thing of the past. New challenge for 2012 – how do we stop the bell thieves?
Kiss of Death Award: Sunderland Royal Hospital
A survey, commissioned by the St John Ambulance and other like-minded charities, revealed that only 14 per cent of the public would act to administer CPR to help, wait for it, a dying child!
And one of the biggest fears was having to perform mouth to mouth. The reason? Well, could it be because the CPR training dummy in the new Integrated Critical Care Unit at Sunderland Royal Hospital looks exactly like Margaret Thatcher?
No wonder there’s a reluctance to perform mouth to mouth with the Iron Lady as your test subject.
Services to Tourism:
Cast of Geordie Shore
The fake tan-soaked youngsters leapt into bed with anything with a pulse in and about the North East baring flesh, fornicating and boozing to excess
As my wife said: “Geordie Shore? It must be with a silent S.” The show did wonders for tourism ... people couldn’t wait to get the first train out of town!
Amazing Prediction Award:
The Echo’s astrologer Russell Grant predicted the winner of the Echo’s Canadian holiday competition winners.
Just hours after Grangetown couple John and Sandra Johnson had read Russell’s prediction that “A fabulous long distance trip is looming on the horizon” they received a call from the Echo to tell them they’d won a dream holiday to Toronto!
In the same column, Russell’s own star sign read: “With the moon in Aries, you will shortly be mincing around in sequins before being shot out of a cannon.”
Alien Fish Find of the Year:
Echo reader Rob Phayer
Reader Rob Phayer found an incredible creature in his garden telling Echo readers: “It’s like something out of Alien.”
On closer inspection the fins, scales and overwhelming stench of fish, suggested it may not have been an alien, but, in fact, a fish.
Still what a creepy find.
Later tests confirmed that it was actually a murderous alien life-form from the planet Zurb and Wearside residents are advised to nail themselves into their homes until after the inevitable nuclear firestorm has subsided.
Send your dubious honours for 2011 to Richard at firstname.lastname@example.org
The Ord New Year’s Honours List 2011 will continue next week, if nothing of note happens in the next seven days.