Apparently Classic FM – the station that plays none-stop classical music scores – were told of the worrying developments last week.
A news bulletin sandwiched between Johann Strauss’s Blue Danube waltz and a variation on Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings revealed that police face losing access to 40 law enforcement tools under a no-deal Brexit, such as the Schengen Information System and the European Arrest Warrant.
“The National Crime Agency told Classic FM that the ability to locate international criminals will be severely reduced in a no-deal Brexit,” a slightly breathless Classic FM news anchor reported. I’ve no reason to doubt that the head of the National Crime Agency on hearing that the security of the UK would be threatened by a no-deal Brexit would get straight on the phone to Classic FM, why wouldn’t he?
Which other unlikely media outlets did he insist on telling? “Get me Nickelodeon, Dave and the Shopping Channel, this is serious.”
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And what does a Classic FM reporter look like anyway? I rather hope they dress like eccentric orchestra conductors. Black velvet dinner jackets, ruff shirts and head of wild hair flapping across their swivel-eyed fizzog.
Better still, they should issue all Classic FM news hounds a musical instrument. It would help them stand out at press conferences.
“I’ll take another question from the audience. The man there at the back. Yes you. The guy with the bassoon ...”
And if the reporter wasn’t happy with the answer, they could comment with a suitable tune on their instrument.
The prospect of a withering ‘parp’ on the trombone would put evasive politicians in their place, don’t you think?
A good answer to a difficult question could receive a more upbeat, appreciative medley. The theme tune to Match of the Day on the piccolo for example.
In truth, having some sort of musical clues to the competence or not of our political leaders would be a help, particularly over Brexit.
MPs droning over ‘Irish backstops’ and ‘free movement of labour’ has become just waffling white noise in my ears.
Arm all reporters with musical instruments.
Or what about getting politically-savvy professional musicians to play at all major political events? I could buy into that. There’d be something engaging about seeing Theresa May stride out of Downing Street to the Darth Vader theme tune The Imperial March, before slinking back into Number 10 to the circus music that accompanies clowns. You know the one. It goes ‘doot-doot-doodle-oodle oot doot do do...”
Better still, don’t have news on Classic FM! I tuned in to get away from mindnumbing Brexit. Fat chance.