RICHARD ORD: For sale: Newcastle United cup strip – only worn twice

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For Sale: Newcastle United cup strip. Worn only twice.

Ebay will no doubt be flooded with the Magpies’ new cup strip this time next year when, as is more than likely, they crash out of the FA and League cups at the first time of asking.

Newcastle's cup jersey

Newcastle's cup jersey

Of course, the cry will go up that yet another strip on the market is putting unbearable pressure on parents to buy them for their children.

Personally, I love it. I marvel at the ideas the football industry comes up with to get you to part with your cash.

The “cup kit” is a doozy. I’d suggest a “going to bed kit” or a “football super-hero kit” for a laugh, but they’ve already been marketed and sold.

You can buy any number of football club bedtime onesies and who could forget Whey Aye Man, the official NUFC superhero costume, complete with black and white curly wig? Sunderland have no such superhero costume that I can find (hey, Sunderland AFC marketing team, what about a Batman-themed ‘Black Cats-woman’ costume? If you like the idea, all I ask is my usual 10%). Sunderland, in fact, have been pretty lame on the football strip front.

They launched their new home kit last week, trumpeting that it may be the traditional red and white, but that it has a “modern twist”.

The twist in question turned out to be a barely noticeable use of more white than red. Newcastle too couldn’t resist their own poetic use of vocabulary when describing the new cup kit colours as ‘peacock-bright plasma-white’, or as we would say, erm, blue with a diagonal red and white stripe.

That said, when I saw the price, my face turned distinctly plasma white. A snip at £57.75. At that price, I expect my cup strip to come with a cup ... made of gold.

Still, I don’t begrudge the football teams attempts to hoover up our money.

I was particularly impressed with the club-endorsed snoods of a few years back. These were footy club-branded neck warmers you could wear while playing football which our two boys demanded, and were duly bought, just in time for snoods to be banned by the football authorities for being too dangerous.

The marketing teams must love coming up with this stuff. Anything goes.

Last season they outdid themselves. What could they do with the football boot that had never been done before?

Surely, there was nothing left. Every stud combination had been tried (rubber, moulded, steel, blades, five-a-side) every colour, every material, every fastening combo but no.

“Why not attach the socks to the boot?”

Attach the sock to the boot! The obvious question would be: “And what possible benefit could attaching the sock to the boot possibly have?” The answer was this: “Well, we can add an extra £100 onto the price.” And they did.

What next? Attach the shorts to the shirt! But how would they get into it?

“If they stump up an extra £100, we’ll tell them...”