Mum’s Life: Vampires and commando rolls

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WHY can’t the men folk be more like women?

It’s not the usual irritation of leaving the toilet seat up or installing a full entertainment system while they pay the bathroom a visit.

I’m afraid it’s curtain misuse.

And it’s not just the household’s teenagers – Gary is equally responsible.

They seem unable to grasp the fact that curtains and blinds need to be shut at night for privacy and to keep the heat in.

And opened when the sun comes up to let daylight in. It’s not rocket science.

Instead, I’ll come in from work at teatime and no-one’s bothered to open the curtains anywhere.

I even caught Ali watching the Andy Murray Australian Open final on Sunday morning with curtains shut and lights off, in the pitch dark.

Consequently, if I ever open them, then that’s how they’ll stay.

I’ve forgotten how many times I’ve gone in the shower at night and walked into the bedroom, forgetting the curtains are unexpectedly open, forcing me into an ungainly commando roll behind the bed, with a crawl along the floor before attempting to close the one-handed while try to keep my towel together and retain my modesty.

And if I ask any of them to open them in the front room, they’ll just drag them along until there’s an uneven gap, wrapping the net curtains behind in a bundle of fabric.

I swear, it’s like living with a bunch of light-sensitive vampires!

THE latest way I noticed the passage of time and family changes was when I was dishing up last Sunday’s dinner.

It didn’t seem so long ago that Vanessa and Nick were eating out of baby bowls, then Winnie The Pooh melamine plates.

Now Nick and Ali have the biggest plates, befitting their “hollow legs” status. (Vanessa did spend a couple of years on these plates, but has dropped down a size, because she’s permanently “cutting down”.)

And there’s my mam, who’s become like Nana from the Royle Family.

“Only a little for me, I can’t eat much at my age,” or “it’s lovely, but it’s very rich, mind.”

And everyone’s favourite: “I can’t manage a pudding. Well, I’ll have an ice cream, that just slips down …”

Quite a change from the woman who stuffed down six Mars bars in one sitting because she wanted to start a diet the next day…

Work that one out, if you will.

With Mandy Watson