It all abs up for SAFC

SAFC need to keep their shape.
SAFC need to keep their shape.
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SUNDERLAND’S biggest signing of the season seems to have slipped under the radar.

What with the departure of Paolo Di Canio and the arrival of Gus Poyet, SAFC’s new business partnership has garnered little coverage in the media.

The Black Cats, I can reveal, have signed a deal which makes (cue drum roll) a company called NIP+MAN the official male grooming partner of Sunderland AFC. It’s about time. We’ve waited too long for an official male grooming partner. Just ask any fan.

One point in just seven games clearly suggests severe shortcomings in the body image department.

Now NIP+MAN can tackle those body concerns with its incredible range of vital products.

I mean, how has the team managed to get this far without the liberal application of Bicep Fix before each game?

As most fans will know, Bicep Fix is a sculpting gel that “helps define the appearance of the upper arm area and improves tone and texture for extreme body confidence.”

I don’t know about you, but in the latter stages of the Manchester United game, there was a distinct lack of body confidence.

Those days are now over thanks to this new partnership.

And it doesn’t stop at just fixing biceps. Is your stomach looking a little jaded? Try NIP+ MAN’s Ab Fix. This product will tone and firm the abdominal area.

Not surprising, really, as it contains the active slimming ingredient Gemmoslim. Yes, Gemmoslim. It does what it says on the tin, with the exception of the Gemmo part.

NIP+MAN also has a product for your pecs. If I ever find mine I’ll let you know how effective it is.

If Gus Poyet has any sense, he will be issuing the players with these male grooming products as a matter of urgency.

Hell, he should applying the stuff to the players’ body parts himself.

What a great ice-breaker. It’d certainly help break down the language barrier that so many have been worried about.

Careful, though – mixing up the tubes could cause serious problems. Apply your Bicep Fix to the abdominal area and who knows what might happen?

NIP+MAN also has a product called the Turbo Face Wash.

I assume this is like washing your face through the exhaust pipe of a 1,200cc Kawasaki motorcycle – rather than with conventional soap.

Who falls for this sort of stuff? I’ll tell you, my boys, Bradley, 12, and Isaac, nine.

They won’t touch water. “What’s the point,” Bradley told me. “It doesn’t work as well as Lucozade Sport.”

And he had the science to back him up.

The latest Lucozade Sport ad shows various half-naked men (naturally) pounding away on treadmills (visit any gym and you’ll find topless men jogging along. Hey, sometimes I don’t even bother wearing shorts.)

As each runner falls by the wayside, it ends up a straight fight between a water drinker and a Lucozade Sport drinker.

There can be only one winner … the Lucozade drinker!

I checked the science on the claims.

“Lucozade Sport hydrates and fuels you better than water,” the blurb insists.

They’re right – after a fashion. The Lucozade contains carbohydrate, along with sodium, that helps you absorb fluid more effectively. Water doesn’t contain these.

But a pork pie contains carbohydrate and sodium. So, by that argument, drinking water and eating a pork pie hydrates and fuels you better than water alone.

Perhaps there should have been a third runner on a treadmill stuffing his face with a pie. That’d put the ad in context.

I mentioned this to our Bradley, but he just ignored me. He was checking out the NIP+MAN grooming products range for my Christmas box.

“Manotox will be ideal for you,” he said. “It contains Liftonin to minimise the appearance of fine lines.”

Get me the large tub, son.