RICHARD ORD: Introducing Dominic Cummings' optical crash test for dummies

It has been well-chronicled on these pages that my new spectacles make me a dead ringer for serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.

Thursday, 28th May 2020, 12:00 am
Dominic Cummings, senior aide to Prime Minister Boris Johnson:

Not exactly the look I was going for, but hey, you never know, Murderous Cannibal may be the look of the summer, 2020.

My optometrist (they were previously known as opticians, but that changed after decimalisation) didn’t warn me about the unfortunate resemblance, though it was noticeable that she kept her distance throughout my visit.

Which is a pity, because I could have told her that Dahmer only killed men and boys. Though, in hindsight, that may not necessarily have eased her concerns.

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“Hey, I know what you’re thinking, but he only decapitated men… hello! … Come back…”

As it is, I am beginning to doubt her credentials as an optometrist. Her idea of an eye test was completely at odds with what I would consider perfectly good government guidelines.

She got me to read from a list of letters which got smaller the further down the list you went! What’s that all about?

Surely, if you suspect an individual has problems with his or her eyesight, the obvious test to perform is the Cummings’ Optical Crash Test for Dummies?

As you may have read, the government’s special adviser Dominic Cummings (among a series of dubious excuses for failing to Stay At Home) thought, after concerns about his eyesight, that the best way to test it, was to pack his wife and child into a high-powered Land Rover and take to the roads!

To be fair, it’s a pretty robust test. If your eyesight’s good, you get from A to B intact. That’s a pass.

If you career off the road and plough into, say, a ravine, then that’s a fail.

Pretty conclusive don’t you think?

What also hasn’t particularly been mentioned about the Cummings case, is his need to go back to work in London.

We’re told to work, if we can, from home. Cummings is an adviser. Surely that’s perfect for working from home. I mean, it’s not as if he’s the maintenance guy at Number 10.

Surely he could advise on the phone.

Given his reputation, however, I suspect he may well be rather physical in his advising technique. Perhaps he explains his ideas while pinning his subject to the wall by their lapels. With social distancing rules in place, he may now have to ‘advise’ via a cattle prod.

Anyway, I suspect for once Jeffrey Dahmer would be a more welcome visitor to Durham than the much-maligned Mr Cummings.