Alison Goulding: ‘Stop paying them to hurt you’

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DRIVING to work the other day, a piece of ‘news’ on the radio caught my ear.

A cheery female presenter was saying that toe jobs are on the increase.

This is where women have surgery to make wearing high heels more comfortable, or to make their feet look better in them.

The former involves fillers injected into the foot as padding and the latter covers things like bunion operations and even having little toes removed.

Requests for this kind of voluntary torture have doubled in the North East, according to surgeons.

Hopefully this only means that one divvy had it done last year and now her two mates have followed suit.

Delightful snippets like this get air time because they’re a bit gross and a bit quirky, but they’re also a handy little advert for surgeons.

Any woman out there drowning in looks-related paranoia suddenly learns about something new she has to save up for or get into debt over.

And why not? It’s no good having your face injected with poison and your body cut up if your revolting feet are going to let you down!

Personally, I’m relieved. I’ve often felt my feet are too feet-like for me to just recklessly go on walking about on them happily as if that’s what they’re for.

The sooner I can have them trimmed so they look nice in shoes that hurt me, the better.

In fact, I think I’m going to spend this month’s salary on some really high, painful ones that people will compliment me on.

“They look fierce!” I’m sure they’ll say, and I’ll smile back with relief that the blisters have been worth it. Those compliments are going to keep me dancing – to hell with bruising and long-term damage – physical effects like that are just trying to rain on my parade.

I’ll then skimp on my food and utilities budget and put the rest of my hard-earned cash aside for a toe job consultation. Hopefully they can book me in soon and work won’t mind me taking time off to recover.

I’m hoping my surgeon will suggest some other stuff too while I’m there, maybe a boob job or some filler so I can feel more feminine.

If anyone is reading this and considering having surgery, please, please don’t. You are absolutely fine the way you are.

In fact, your only problem is that you are surrounded by companies that make a lot of money convincing you that you’re ugly and need ‘help’. And that the way you look is your only value and you have nothing to offer if you don’t look like one of The Saturdays.

Women need to see these cosmetic vultures for what they are. Stop paying them to hurt you, it only gives them a bigger budget to advertise their grisly wares.

PS, If you are the cosmetic surgery that posted a leaflet through my door on Monday then I’m sending it back by first post. With a note suggesting where you can put it. I’m sure you have the right tools to perform this difficult feat.