We’ve heard some whoppers on telly this week.
All Star Mr & Mrs’ Ben Ofoedu: “Vanessa (Feltz) is extremely gorgeous.”
Big Brother’s 200-men-on-the-bedpost face-hugger Biannca: “I’m not a slag, I’m just popular.”
None, though, were in the same league as the “hoax of a lifetime” royal lookalike Matt Hicks has been feeding 12 American girls.
Eight weeks of deceit finally came crashing down in the I Wanna Marry “Harry” finale, the most unexpected TV event of the year, when he confessed that, hard though it was to believe, Prince William’s brother hadn’t signed up for an ITV2 dating show.
That they pulled off the pretence until the end game is a triumph for the humble environmental worker and the production crew’s elaborate set-ups and superb casting.
Especially as Rose rumbled the ruse when Hicks got his “brother’s” age wrong and, as Anna Lisa pointed out in week four: “He’s not Harry. He doesn’t look like him.”
Oh, that minor point.
Luckily for this show, the women seemed unaware pictures can be Photoshopped and hair dyed ginger and fell for the whole charade.
Hicks may have been the star, along with Kingsley the butler (Corrie’s Bob Stephenson enjoying the role of his career), but the girls really made this series...
Drunk Maggie, big-boobed Meghan, the cattiness, ruthless tale-telling and, best of all, bunny-boiling, insanely jealous Prince Harry obsessive Kelley, described by Maggie as “a psychotic stage-five clinger”.
She makes Kathy Bates in Misery look like Florence Nightingale and had Karina wondering: “I don’t know if she would throw us under a bus to get closer to him.”
I do. She’d do it without so much of a blink.
Stringing Kelley along, and the rest of them for that matter, was of course morally dubious.
But what entertainment, from Maggie sharing: “I’ve been going commando the whole time in front of Prince Harry,” to week five’s pageant culminating in Hicks pointing out: “Would Prince Harry really be sat in a big red throne judging girls in their bikinis?”
He always insisted he was there for true love: “I ultimately want to find a girl who will like me for being me without all the trappings.”
Lying through your teeth and pretending you’re Prince Harry, while enjoying all the trappings, was a pretty funny way of achieving that, if you ask me.
“Hopefully they can see why and understand my reasons for doing so.”
Yes, to entertain a bunch of ITV2 viewers. Never has there been a nobler justification for outright fakery.
Nonetheless, the fairytale ending – Kingsley revealing Hicks and winner Kimberly would split $250,000 because she still wanted to date him after the big reveal – was perfect.
And I’m not ashamed to say it’s been the most enjoyable comedy/drama of 2014.
For the most obvious of reasons a second series is unlikely, although I do have a suggestion for I Wanna Marry Harry 2.
In fact there’s only one possible drawback.
Can they find a dozen women crazy enough about the QPR manager.
This week’s TV Medic of the Week award goes to...
This Morning’s Dr Chris Steele explaining the complexities of a condition called cluster headaches: “Cluster headaches occur in clusters.”
So now we know.
The first signs of light after 29 years of shade in Walford and trust them to go and mess it up.
They’ve put Billy Mitchell in the frame for Lucy Beale’s murder, thereby derailing his new comedy double act with Les Coker.
A decision that’s even more boneheaded than the mystery person burying her phone and purse in the shallowest of graves on the allotment. (Nice thinking, Einstein. I mean, no one goes digging in an allotment.)
With Billy caught red-(herring)-handed as a serial fish thief from Ian’s chippie, he pleaded: “This looks bad, doesn’t it?”
Very bad, Billy. It’s awful to watch.
Nothing new there then.
Evergreen John Bishop revisiting a family who put him up for a few nights on his 1992 Sydney to Cairns cycle, on BBC1’s Australia...
“Somebody told me you had seen me on The Graham Norton Show. When you saw that, what did you think?”
Denise Miller: “I said, ‘Was he funny when we knew him?’ and Reg said, ‘He wasn’t that funny’.”
You haven’t changed a bit, John.
The One Show’s Matt Baker: “Mary and Sue are Birmingham open-top bus tour guides, can you believe?”
Open-top bus tours? In Birmingham?
No. I can’t.
Armageddon week on Big Brother. Or to put it more accurately, three-more-cretins-enter-the-house week.
The most cretinous being serial shagger Biannca Lake, a stripper who makes a Magaluf bar crawl look like a nunnery’s outing to the library.
Yet the extraordinary factor this series is the rare inclusion of a decent human being, Chris, who has his housemates down to a tee...
“Biannca makes Helen look like the holy Virgin Mary. Biannca is going to be a f***ing nightmare.”
Big Brother: “What makes you say that?”
“What wouldn’t make me say that?”
At the other end of the scale is gruesome twosome Kimberly and dung beetle Steven who said of the crowd’s reaction to him: “Is there anything you can think of that would have dignified those boos?”
Aside from the fact you’re a charmless, needy, paranoid, possessive, controlling chasm of a man, Steven?
Not a sausage.