Richard Ord: Teenagers and cinemas don’t mix

A still from the Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials.
A still from the Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials.
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That whirring and clunking you can hear is easily explained – it’s teenage brains under construction.

That whirring and clunking you can hear is easily explained – it’s teenage brains under construction.

As I have to live with this moron, I thought I’d do some homework on the teenage brain and how best to cope. First up, calling him a moron doesn’t help.

During adolescence, the teenage brain is far from fully formed which apparently explains their often erratic and illogical behaviour.

I’m beginning to suspect the crew assembling our 14-year-old’s grey matter is out to lunch.

He and his mates went to see a movie at the weekend (all 12 of them) and managed to create mayhem in the cinema. They ploughed en masse into the Studio 6 only to find the 3D movie, Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials, had already started.

“Everyone was shouting at us to sit down and be quiet,” our Bradley explained. “They were really annoyed.”

Surprising that! Turns out a dozen bumbling teens wandering in front of your eyeline while watching a movie does nothing to enhance the cinematic experience.

The gang managed to get to their seats and don their 3D glasses.

“But my glasses weren’t working,” he said. “But my mate James said his were fine.”

After being told to ‘be quiet’ again by irritated members of the audience, he tried on his friend’s 3D glasses, but he couldn’t get them to work.

“I thought it might be my eyes,” said Bradley, “but then it dawned on me, no-one else in the cinema had 3D glasses on. Only us!

“Turns out we were supposed to be in Studio 9 – we had read the tickets upside down.”

At which point they all stood up and barged their way back out of the movie, with more catcalls ringing in their ears.

As I have to live with this moron, I thought I’d do some homework on the teenage brain and how best to cope. First up, calling him a moron doesn’t help. Their half-formed brains don’t respond well to criticism. I say half-formed, apparently they are only 80% there.

Their synapses are fast-growing and work well, but huge sections of their brain remain unconnected. They can be clever, quick and intelligent, but the part of the brain which houses reasoning, planning, and judgment is the last to connect.

They are not at home to reasoning. Though I didn’t need a neuroscience degree to work that out. Just this week I caught him in the coat cupboard stamping his feet and demanding to know where his waterproof jacket was.

“Well, where did you leave it?”

“In my bedroom.”

“Well, why don’t you look in there?”

He stomped off up to his room and came back down with the jacket.

He then looked at me, put it on and, with a facial expression that suggested I was the idiot, said: “I told you it was in my wardrobe,” and off he went. The handbooks suggest in these cases, you’re best giving the teenager plenty of space. Fair do’s. How does Alaska sound, plenty of space there for him? I’ll check the flight times ...