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Tuesday, 9th February 2010

Richard Ord

The Roker Pods regarded this earth with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us Behold I have seen the future for Sunderland's seafront … and it looks remarkably like a wooden urinal on wheels.

Texting improves literacy skills in much the same way as sucking on an exhaust pipe cures asthma Every TV crimebuster has to have a hook – an instantly recognisable catchphrase, eye-catching accessory or look that sets them apart from the rest.

Either aliens want to eat our eyeballs or the Chinese have a lot to answer for ... "I'm no racist," bleated Coun Eddie Wake after he was unceremoniously booted out of the Tory party this week.

Polishing a pig's ear ... the alternative New Year's honours list Not wishing to break with the time-honoured tradition of re-hashing old news as a Pick of the Year column, I have decided to look back on 2009 and hand out my gongs to the year's heroes and villains.

Cinders has a ball at the Theatre Royal

'tis the season to be trapped in an Orwellian Christmas nightmare.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 ... the level where Boy George gets it right between the eyes

Only by harnessing the power of the conker can we defeat the eight-legged invaders. Conker guns anyone?

From Nick Griffin to Nazi zombies via puerile TV gameshow Hole in the Wall. It's got the lot

The subtle art of teaching children the building blocks of life. Ding, ding! Seconds out: Round one...

"Brett Lee's a hermaphrodite" ... and other traditonal English welcomes for our Australian cousins

Swayze, Jackson and Floyd ... can't someone stop these celebrity deaths?

The answer to baldness.

What's wrong with terrifying children - can't a guy have a hobby these days?

110% commitment! Is that all you've got?

Just how do you deal with a plague of zombies? Spray, pellets or egg whisk?

Here's one for Tyra. Where does an incontinent rabbit fit in the complex fashion statements of the fortysomethings?

Toongerine dreams of electric sheep, well, whales and galloping horses ... and Cozy Powell

Swine flu - the time for calm is over ...

Oasis in Sunderland - forget the cigarettes, bring on the alcohol

Wanted: Tiny terrorist with an afro, wellies and whatever else he fancies

Dirty moat, dirty mind. Why shouldn't MPs fill their boots with extravagant expenses claims? Wouldn't you?

With age comes wisdom ... and an insatiable appetite for violent retribution

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