Not wishing to break with the time-honoured tradition of re-hashing old news as a Pick of the Year column, I have decided to look back on 2009 and hand out my gongs to the year's heroes and villains.
Why The Long Face? Award: Goes to that horse that ran amok in Boldon's Cineworld cinema frightening movie buffs. (Was he trying to escape Mamma Mia!?) I particularly liked the comment from the Cineworld manager Tim Hamlyn who said: "
It's the first time I've heard of this happening, and I've worked in cinemas for six years!" A whole six years and only one rampaging horse in the foyer – I'm surprised.
Click here to see video of runaway cinema horseCrimes Against Fashion Gong: Eccentric Richard Scott turning up in various guises to answer charges in connection with the theft of a £3m Shakespeare book, either swigging from a champagne bottle or Pot Noodle. His innocence or not will be revealed in the fullness of time, but for crimes against fashion the verdict is guilty.
Raymond Scott ... gone to pot
When garden furniture was stolen from Maple Lodge Care Home, in Witherwack, 80-year-old resident Alice Sinclair had this measured take on restorative justice. "I think the people who did it should have their hands chopped off." Crikey! What do they put in that cocoa?
The Seems Obvious But… Award: Goes to the NHS pen pusher who introduced the idea of a checklist for surgeons before every operation. The questions included: Is this the right patient? Is this the right limb? Death rates dropped by 50 per cent. What were they asking previously?
Animal Protection Commendation: Is handed to the Reed family of Silksworth who discovered a rare oarfish washed up on the beach at Seaham. They photographed the creature and returned it to the sea lamenting that it struggled to swim and had "raggy fins." The picture gave a clue as to potential cause of the fish's discomfort. They are standing on it.
Swim, goddammit, why doesn't it swim? Stupid fish.
Goes to noisy sex neighbour Caroline Cartwright who made the news after her sex sessions registered on the Richter Scale, making life a misery for residents in Hall Road, Concord. She was fined £200. It was revealed that she and her husband Steve had sex every day of their married life. Sex every day! Forget a fine, surely some sort of medal is in order … only too happy to oblige.
Bushtucker Citation: My favourite literal of the year. On a feature encouraging people to shop local and save pennies we quoted counter assistant Jackie McKenna of Graham's Deli, on Chester Road, who reeled off their most popular dishes. "We have hot meals like mice and dumplings, curry and lasagne." Mice! Nice.
Man of the People Honour: This elegant diamond-encrusted crown, topped with a gilded duck is placed upon the head of Sunderland MP Bill Etherington. After filing expenses that included claims for three sets of ladders and a razor, he moaned: why should he live in "the most miserable circumstances possible" just to save the taxpayers a few thousand quid? Too right. Who are these taxpayers anyway?
Blind Justice Award: Goes to Judge Tony Lancaster who barred a flasher from the Metro system after he admitted exposing himself to Sunderland commuters on a train platform.
"He ought not to travel on the Metro system," said Judge Lancaster. "He can travel by bus if he needs to." Bus travellers will be charmed, I'm sure.
Bah Humbug Scroll: To Dr Nathan Grills, from Monash University in Australia, who said Santa promotes obesity, drink-driving, speeding and a general unhealthy lifestyle.
Writing in the British Medical Journal he wrote: "Despite the risks of high speed air travel Santa is never depicted wearing a seatbelt or a helmet." Are you going to break it to him or am I?
Myth-Busting Gong: Goes to 19-year-old Alexandra Devine, of Millfield, who exploded the myth that beauty does not come with brains when making her first public outing as Miss Sunderland at a boxing match.
"I was a bit nervous about climbing into the boxing ring as it's something I've never done before," she said, "but it's easier than it looks."
Yes, that putting your leg over one rope while ducking under another always looks rather complicated, but she did it. Well done. Another myth busted.
Myth-Affirming Gong: Sunderland star Lorik Cana defying the laws of mathematics and vowing to give "300 per cent" commitment to his new club. Footballers and maths, never great bedfellows.
Only When I Laugh Award: Artist Natasha Caruana, exhibiting her artwork at Sunderland City Library, who told our reporter: "I interviewed a lot of older clowns as research for the exhibition ... and it is very sad." That's clowns for you. Miserable buggers.
Movie of the Year: Artist Natasha Caruana's art film at the same exhibition. Called Slapstick and Slaughter it consisted of a clown in an arcade stamping on egg effigies of clown faces while laughing and crying. That might explain the Only When I Laugh Award.
White Flag of Surrender Citation: Sunderland Royal Hospital who decided to rebuild a shelter for smokers on their grounds after patients and visitors continually flouted their no cigs policy. How soon before they're knocking up a crack den to keep the addicts warm in winter?
* Please feel free to send in your recommendations for honours. Send them to richard.ord@northeast-press.co.uk or write to the usual address. The best ones will be printed.
