THERE are some lazy columnists who raid their back catalogue of columns accrued over 12 months and then cobble together a space-filling review of the year or a spurious end of 2013 awards ceremony.
This shameful regurgitating of stuff they’ve already written and passing it off as something new is, quite frankly, a cheat.
I prefer a more honest approach. So here’s my Shamelessly Regurgitated Space-Filling Review of 2013 … With Gongs On.
Services to Text Message One-liners
The horsemeat scandal kept the text message funnymen in clover. Here’s the pick of the bunch:
•A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
•Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had a £5 each way!
•Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth.
•I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer … AND THEY’RE OFF
•My wife has told me to watch what I’m eating. So I’m off to the 3.30 at Kempton!
Newspaper Manna from Heaven Award
Paolo Di Canio, by a country mile. Whether it was banning ketchup or sliding on his knees at St James’s, the Italian kept newsdesks in clover for months. If only he could have converted the column inches into points.
The Facist furore was particularly amusing. Just because you say you’re a fascist, do the infamous Roman salute, wear right-wing hooligan T-shirts and attend the funeral of an Italian extremist, it doesn’t make you a fascist, does it? Apparently not.
Web Headline of the Year
In a story in which a Sunderland couple’s paranormal investigations featured on a prime-time American show My Ghost Story, we looked for the most dramatic headline.
Given they had definitive proof, in their eyes, of a spiritual afterlife, there could be only one headline.
“Randy Ghost Pinched My Bum,’ Claims Sunderland Spook Hunter.”
Descent into Hell Award
Sunderland’s Charlotte Crosby winning Celebrity Big Brother. The former barmaid and star of the MTV series Geordie Shore struck a blow for potty-mouthed bedwetters the nation over by winning the TV popularity contest.
Twit of the Year
Charlotte Crosby again, or rather, her followers. Despite a debauched lifestyle, she became the most-followed Twitter personality in Sunderland (beating MPs, sports stars and musicians) with 1.1million followers. Her breast-baring and foul-mouthed tirades on Celebrity Big Brother, however, did affect her ratings … she added a further 600,000 followers! Finishing the year with 1.7million followers. Two words spring to mind: Hell and handcart.
Won’t Be Troubling Mensa Award
Goes to my sons, Isaac, nine, and Bradley, 13. A science question Isaac tackled for homework asked him to calculate the volume of a liquid in a cup. He was fuming.
“How should I know the volume of water,” he railed. “It doesn’t even make any noise!”
When asked what’s the difference between 3 and 8, Isaac replied: “8 has got more loops!”
Me (to Bradley): “Why are you eating your toast upside down?”
Bradley: “Because my tongue’s on the bottom of my mouth. That’s where your taste buds are. I eat everything upside down these days.”
Plain English Award
After Sunderland software company 4Projects celebrated its takeover by US company Viewpoint, the Oregan-based firm’s CEO Jay Haladay couldn’t hide his joy.
He said: “We look forward to providing 4Projects team with additional resources and construction-specific software leadership to increase their already industry-leading pace of product innovation in collaboration functionality.”
A touching sentiment I’m sure you’ll agree.
A Happy New (or should that be recycled Old?) Year to you all.