Richard Ord: Spooks and sulphurous smells

Ghost hunter Derek Acorah visits the haunted house of Marie Williams in Hendon, Sunderland, who claims she is being attacked by spirits in her Victorian home.
Ghost hunter Derek Acorah visits the haunted house of Marie Williams in Hendon, Sunderland, who claims she is being attacked by spirits in her Victorian home.
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OUR Isaac, aged eight, you may be pleased to hear is still at home.

As I reported last week, he had been working on plans to leave home and survive Bear Grylls-style in the wilds of Whitley Bay.

I say Bear Grylls-style in as much as he planned to stop off at Sainsbury’s to use the toilets whenever possible, in much the same way as Bear, when claiming to be abandoned in the wilderness, took the precaution of checking into a motel. A small point he felt didn’t warrant a mention on camera.

It does however feature in most Army survival manuals: ‘Check into comfortable motel’ can be found between ‘how to cook a rat’ and ‘purifying your own urine.’

Our Isaac has reached that age where innocence and thirst for knowledge collide beautifully. I call it the ‘I can fill a whole column with this stuff’ stage in life.

This week he asked me: “Why do we have hair?”

I told him it was to keep his head warm. I was brushing my teeth, he was weeing in the toilet. It was 6am.

“Suppose we shouldn’t cut it then really,” he said running his hand through his hair, which had been cut the day before. He then added: “Has it grown much?”

Not really, I told him.

In another debate, he told his mother he had been doing poetry in English and did she know what a metaphor was? She happily explained.

“That’s what the teacher said,” he replied. “I thought it was an animal.”

That beauty was followed by this little gem. He told me: “Wouldn’t it be good if you had a dial on your head which showed how angry you were.”

Yes, I said, it could go from between zero and 10.

“No,” he said. “It would go up to 50.” He then thought about it for a few seconds and then reaffirmed his answer. “Yes, definitely 50.”

My favourite this week however is his Mother’s Day poem, which I caught him composing on the computer, again at 6am. His mum was overjoyed, while I particularly liked the metaphor four lines down. He knows her so well.

Please feel free to copy and send to your own mum.


A hot sunny day

A tall rose

A drop of fresh water

An armed shark

A blue ocean

A hot oven

On a spring morning called mothers day

Mum you are my world

IF you thought it was a little chilly in Hendon this week, it’s hardly surprising ... apparently a portal to the other side had been opened.

Fortunately, controversial medium Derek Acorah, pictured, was on hand to summon up the forces of good to close it forever.

Derek was despatched to the home of Marie Williams after a poltergeist had gone on the rampage terrorising her family by trashing their home, grabbing their ankles and letting off “sulphurous smells”.

Kind of like a cross between The Exorcist and one of my children’s birthday parties.

Thankfully, before you could shout, in your best Larry Grayson voice, “Shut that portal” the spooks were banished.

Controversial medium Derek had saved the day.

I say controversial, not because of scurrilous stories suggesting Mr Acorah is some sort of fake (perish the thought) but because of a comment left on our website www. which accompanied the story.

“If Derek’s kite is anything to go by,” the contributor observed. “He’s more of a large than a medium.”

Fair point.