RICHARD ORD: School results like algebra + Geordie Shore DVD nonsense

Geordie Shore star Charlotte Crosby.
Geordie Shore star Charlotte Crosby.
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KEY Stage 2 (KS2) results are out for my year 6 10-year-old who has been hoping to get a 4B to impress his 6MY form tutor.

No, I didn’t understand the numbers and letters either.

It made me realise that I need to go to night classes just to work out how well my children are doing at school these days.

Our Bradley, 14, came home this week to inform his mother that he had just got a 6C in geography.

“That’s it,” I bellowed, “You’re banned from the PlayStation until you’re coming back here with 1As across the board.”

Turns out a 6C is good and a 1A terrible (I banned him from the PlayStation anyway, don’t want him to get too cocky).

What was wrong with the simple A, B, C marking system? That said, they couldn’t cope with that.

The introduction of the ‘A Star’, or A*, at A-level muddied those waters. The educational equivalent of Spinal Tap turning the volume up to 11.

The educational performance of our children is, of course, important and from what I can glean from the KS2 results we’re hardly setting the world on fire.

I want my children to be able to read and write at the highest possible level. It’s important they are both clear and concise when signing on at the dole office.

Time to call in the military, methinks. And I kid you not.

The Department of Education is to hand over £1m to send ex-soldiers into schools to inspire and motivate children.

The cash is going to Commando Joe, a company which enlists former military personnel to drop into classes and provide Army style fitness training, coaching and one-to-one mentoring to improve pupils’ self-discipline and self-confidence.

It’s a project not without its critics, but the results are hard to argue against.

A study by Swansea University found that more than half of students taking part in the scheme improved their 
maths grades, 46 per cent improved the reading grades and 70 per cent improved their writing.

Commando Joe will be dropping into a school near you, soon.

And when they say ‘drop in’, I trust they do that by abseiling down the side of the school before smashing through the windows and commando rolling across the classroom.

Personally, I think it’s a great idea.

I often think the only way I could get our Isaac to read is if I forced him to do it at gunpoint.

Now Commando Joe can do just that, and with the backing of the government.

Maybe we can waterboard our way to the top of the school league tables. Worth a thought.

STRUGGLING for Christmas presents, my eyes were drawn to the latest Geordie Shore fitness DVD.

Charlotte Crosby, she of Celebrity Big Brother and wetting her pants on TV fame, has brought out Charlotte’s 3 Minute Belly Blitz.

The cover features before and after pictures of Charlotte.

In one she looks like a beached whale in a bikini (before), in the other she’s looking like a tanned and airbrushed slimline whale in a bikini (after).

The blurb on the DVD says you can lose up to five pounds in a week with her three-minute routines. If you buy it, you lose 13 pounds in less than a minute. Pounds cash, of course.

Charlotte apparently lost her weight by eating less (you don’t say), exercising more (really?) and being motivated by a desire to be fitter and healthier.

Oh, and the promise of a big fat cheque … though, strangely that’s not mentioned anywhere on the cover.

Does anyone really fall for this nonsense?  

Well, yes. The DVD is now No1 in the Amazon fitness chart.

A YouGov report revealed this week that pet dogs are fatter than ever before because of poor diet and a lack of exercise. I can’t help thinking this DVD just might be the answer ...