Richard Ord: Rear of the Year Vorderman and the Horden Takeaway Bandit

Rear of the Year Carol Vorderman

Rear of the Year Carol Vorderman

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AS the reigning North East Columnist of the Year (three years and counting), I’m all for spurious gongs being dished out to the undeserving.

Few will be able to name the winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize*, or care for that matter, but everyone will have an opinion on this year’s Rear of the Year winner or Celebrity Mum of the Year.

I know the latter has been a bone of contention in our house over the years, particularly as the winning mums have usually just emerged from several weeks in a jungle about 4,000 miles from their offspring.

My wife will often be heard shouting at the screen: “If she’s such a good mother, why isn’t she with her kids?”

I heard her shouting the very same thing at Kerry Katona on TV this week. Ironically, she then went off to work while I was left with the kids, but never mind.

Rear of the Year can be just as contentious. Carol Vorderman was voted the top bottom of 2011. Were the judges looking at the right end?

With so many odd awards about, I feel the time is right to introduce a new one recognising the ingenuity of criminals in the community.

If I can find a sponsor, I reckon it could be a goer. And there’s already one frontrunner in creative criminal class … and that’s the Peterlee Takeaway Bandit.

This guy pulled off the most audacious heist Horden has witnessed this year.

For those who missed it: A Chinese takeaway driver called to a house in South Terrace with a £26 order of food to be greeted by a naked man, hair soaking wet and a towel around his waist. He took the food but, obviously, didn’t have any money on him and told the delivery man he would just get some cash from his wallet.

He was then seen to proceed into a back room, into the kitchen and out the back door before legging down the back lane and away.

Turns out the house was an empty one and the whole “I’ve just come out of the shower” looked a cunning ruse. Brilliant.

Surely such brass neck is worthy of some kind of award.

It could be handed to him as he’s sent down or had his wrist caressed by a magistrate (apparently slapping wrists is seen as magistrate brutality and has been outlawed in the EU).

If my Crafty Con Gong takes off I’ll introduce a number of similar categories, one of which the policeman quoted in the story may be in line for.

The officer told our reporter: “Unfortunately, the driver didn’t get much of a description of the man because he was only wearing a towel.”

I may be a bit slow off the mark here, but just how detailed a description do they need? I mean, just how many naked men in towels carrying takeaways were running about in Horden that night?

* You probably already know this but the winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize was shared between Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Leymah Gbowee and Tawakkul Karman for “their non-violent struggle for the safety of women and for women’s rights to full participation in peace-building work”.

Tawakkul was equally thrilled to discover she has been shortlisted for Rear of the Year 2012. Fingers crossed for her on that one. The last to do the Nobel and Rear double was Desmond Tutu in ’84.