RICHARD ORD: Just leave us to gorge in peace

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GOOD to see that researchers have finally, after years of ceaseless study, successfully extracted pleasure from eating.

There is now officially no food on the planet that cannot, in some way or other, kill you stone dead.

In the last couple of weeks scientists have been working overtime producing research papers with the sole purpose, as far as I can see, of putting you off your dinner.

As I was flipping my way through about 40 pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, The World Health Organisation was putting its finishing touches on its new sugar intake guidelines.

Needless to say, the boffins were not calling on nations to increase their consumption of sugar.

The pancakes consumed by my two boys – aged 10 and 13 – were slopped with melted chocolate, golden syrup, sugar, toffee sauce and ice cream.

As is traditional, we also cut up some lemons to squeeze on the pancakes … they, naturally, remained untouched by the boys. Yak! Lemons?

To be fair the pancakes we made also came with bananas and strawberries but they were clearly playing second fiddle to the sugar-infused extras.

Such was their desire to gorge on sugar, I suspected that our two boys would have enjoyed Pancake Tuesday just as much had it been presented to them minus the pancakes.

“It’s not a problem dad, I’ll just swig the toffee sauce straight from the bottle.”

Releasing a “cut down on sugar” report to coincide with Pancake Tuesday is just typical of your scientists. Bleedin’ killjoys.

With kids dealt with, the researchers moved on to adults with another report released in the same week cheerfully informing us that eating lots of meat and cheese is as deadly as smoking.

Seriously, will scientists ever tire of producing reports telling us that eating red meat is bad for you? They must print that one out every four weeks.

If they spent as much time and effort on eradicating serious diseases we’d be living far happier and longer lives.

Who knows, perhaps if they cured more ailments, they’d need us to eat all these danger foods just to keep the population under control. How good would that be?

Instead of being issued with a free bus pass as 65, how about a free ‘eat all you can’ pass at for McDonald’s when you turn 85? We can but dream.

Here’s my plea to the scientific community. Yes, we know eating cakes, quaffing ale and devouring bacon sandwiches is bad for our health, but at least we’re dying with a smile on our face.

Stop telling us what we already know … it’s depressing.

Stop press: As the Echo went to print today, shock new research from Oxford University has revealed that large carnivorous mammals often defecate in areas heavily populated by trees. More to come