Richard Ord: ‘I’m no doormat’

Not Richard Ord
Not Richard Ord
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MEN are often treated like doormats by the women in their lives … but not me.

My relationship with my good lady wife is built on a far firmer foundations. I’m no doormat … no, I’m a bed warmer.

It’s an established fact of life that women are colder than men. Their extremities (fingers, toes, etc) are colder because, as child-bearers, the female abdominal area which houses the womb, has a greater concentration of blood flow to keep the womb warm. The heat is drawn to the centre of the body, thus leaving the fingers and toes cold.

Either that or they are descended from lizards. It’s one of the two. Take your pick.

As far as my wife is concerned I’m hot in bed, which is a viewpoint I am more than happy to spread.

My hotness means that when I get into bed and she goes to work on her face or hair (why can’t they just go straight to bed?) my duty is to lie on my wife’s side to warm it up.

Funny, I don’t remember that husband-duty appearing in the wedding vows. Love, honour and warm up her side of the bed till death you do part. Doesn’t ring a bell.

It must have been in the small print along with catch spiders, clean toilets and empty the bins.

I mention this only because I have now outlived my usefulness (tell us something we don’t know – Ed).

While out shopping the other week, she picked up an electric blanket for a tenner. I have been replaced by a machine.

It’s one of the three exciting developments this week. The electric blanket, the opening of the second Tyne Tunnel and the Sunderland Echo’s reader offers.

The 21st century has well and truly arrived. It was the Sunderland Echo reader offer that made me realise we are entering a new world of invention.

For a mere £19.99 you can be the proud owner of the Walking Stick Umbrella.

This amazing device combines the walking stick with the umbrella (the clues in the name) which means those who struggle when walking can, with the Walking Stick Umbrella, use the device to steady themselves and not fall over. And when it rains, they can put the stick above their heads and, at the push of a button, open it up as an umbrella.

I thought about this for some time before realising that if you are using the walking stick side of the device to keep yourself upright, won’t then putting it above your head when it starts to rain mean you then fall over?

A fatal flaw? Not so. I looked closer … you can buy two for £29.99. One to keep your head dry, one to keep you upright.

And to think they said there would never be another Steve Jobs.