Richard Ord: ‘He looked ridiculous’

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“IT’S the constipation sensation that’s gripping the nation,” my 10-year-old son Bradley informed me this week.

“What is?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he replied. “It just sounds good.” So good, he kept on repeating it.

As slogans go it’s certainly memorable. It could easily be applied to his new jeans. They have a certain scatological bent to them. They make him look like his soiled his pants.

As I get older, there’s something quite reassuring about the fashions of the younger generation.

Our fashions, like MC Hammer loons and bondage trousers, were always so much more stylish.

On viewing some of the nonsense they wear, I am imbued with a sense of superiority.

“What do they think they look like?” I can ask out loud, while shaking my head, knowing that everyone within earshot agrees with me (I make these kinds of comments only when within earshot of equally fashion-blind old duffers like myself).

With age comes wisdom. The wisdom of not wasting money on silly trousers.

Personally, I don’t ask much of my jeans. Just keep them blue. That just about does it.

No fancy stitching, added buckles, straps, logos, paint, rips, tears, dangling ribbons of material, buckles, bells or whistles for me, thank you very much. Just a pair of jeans.

They should have zips, but only on the flies.

The most striking detail on a man’s pair of jeans should, in my opinion, be their daring lack of striking detail.

If we’re pushing the envelope, jeans may be purchased with button flies. Hey, let’s live a little.

If easyJet made jeans, I’d be first in the queue. No frills you see. I’d buy easyJet jeans, as long as they weren’t orange.

Bradley’s new jeans are orange. Well, orange-ish.

They’re described as low slung crafted carrot twist chinos. A description that cries out for the swift application of a flamethrower.

Low slung carrot twist! Sounds more like a cocktail.

That the trousers don’t come with a paper umbrella sewn into the back pockets is a surprise oversight on the manufacturer’s part. They’ll probably have them put in for next year.

As they are, the trousers defy logic. Carrot twists are guaranteed to fit, well, just about nowhere (or your money back? I wish!).

The waist is deliberately oversized so the jeans hang low enough to reveal as much of the wearer’s underpants as possible, while the legs taper down from the hips and end up gripping the shins.

The twist comes from the fact that the seams are tailored to travel down the legs like a helter skelter slide.

The boy tried them on. He looked ridiculous. He was, naturally, delighted.

“Do you want me to iron them for you?” I said (at no extra cost the carrot twist style gurus appear to have finished off their handiwork by ironing the jeans with a brick.)

“God dad, you’re so embarrassing,” came the exasperated reply. “It’s the style.”

It’s the constipation sensation that’s gripping the nation, more like.

- Care to join my Bring Back the Monocle and Matching Cravat Campaign? Write to richard.ord@northeast-press.co.uk or send a letter marked Pants to the usual address, outlining your favourite fashion faux pas of the modern youth.