RICHARD ORD: Doughnuts and the secret of immortality

Are doughnuts the answer?
Are doughnuts the answer?
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WHILE I have every intention of living forever, for the sole reason that it would annoy the hell out of my wife, I accept that living as long a life as possible may well take a bit of work.

Which is why I was heartened to read the latest study on running and health.

According to researchers in Denmark, people who partake in strenuous running for more than four hours a week have the same mortality rate as those who prefer to sit on their backsides and eat doughnuts.

Those, however, who went for a gentle jog, no more than three times a week, were 78 per cent less likely to die than running freaks or couch potatoes.

Great news. My particular test group, however, didn’t feature. I fall into the running to the doughnut shop three times a week category, but I’m sure I’m on the right lines.

The secret of a long life is a much sought-after mystery on which our entire health industry is built. Yet no-one has the answer.

People, in my opinion, have been looking for the secret in all the wrong places.

It won’t be found pounding the treadmill down the local gym, guzzling fruit smoothies in your kitchen or perusing the goji berry and primrose oil aisle in Holland and Barratt.

The answer lies with those who have lived for a long time.

Reporters are talking to them up and down the country every day. They’re the centenarians.

When you interview a centenarian (not a centurion, that’s something different) the last question you ask them is: “What is the secret of a long life?”

These 100-year-olds invariably answer “a little tot of whisky before bed” or “a wee bit of what you fancy.”

I’ve read dozens of these stories and I’ve yet to hear one of these old-timers extol the virtues of marathon running, 200lb bench presses or colonic irrigation.

That said, having studied a number of these stories in a bid to find the secret of a long life, I believe I may have stumbled upon the answer.

In a story about a 101-year-old resident of an Easington care home which appeared in the paper this week, the reporter – to my surprise – did not ask the classic question of what is the secret to a long life.

Sanna Miller, 101, lives a full and happy life and has done since she was born at the beginning of the First World War, the story revealed. I scoured the copy for her secret to such a long and fulfilling life. While the reporter did not put the question to her, I believe I may have found the answer.

Sanna never married and never had kids! You read it here first.

Since I’ve done both, I think I’ll get my doughnuts delivered from now on.

Which is why I was heartened to read the latest study on running and health.

To the annoyance of gym bunnies everywhere, these 100-year-olds invariably answer “a little tot of whisky before bed” or “a wee bit of what you fancy.”

According to researchers in Denmark, people who partake in strenuous running for more than four hours a week have the same mortality rate as those who prefer to sit on their backsides and eat doughnuts.

Those, however, who went for a gentle jog, no more than three times a week, were 78 per cent less likely to die than running freaks or couch potatoes.

Great news. My particular test group, however, didn’t feature. I fall into the running to the doughnut shop three times a week category, but I’m sure I’m on the right lines.

The secret of a long life is a much sought-after mystery on which our entire health industry is built. Yet no-one has the answer.

People, in my opinion, have been looking for the secret in all the wrong places. It won’t be found pounding the treadmill down the local gym, guzzling fruit smoothies in your kitchen or perusing the goji berry and primrose oil aisle in Holland and Barratt.

The answer lies with those who have lived for a long time.

Reporters are talking to them up and down the country every day. They’re the centenarians.

When you interview a centenarian (not a centurion, that’s something different) the last question you ask them is: “What is the secret of a long life?”

To the annoyance of gym bunnies everywhere, these 100-year-olds invariably answer “a little tot of whisky before bed” or “a wee bit of what you fancy.”

I’ve read dozens of these stories and I’ve yet to hear one of these old-timers extol the virtues of marathon running, 200lb bench presses or colonic irrigation.

That said, having studied a number of these stories in a bid to find the secret of a long life, I believe I may have stumbled upon the answer.

In a story about a 101-year-old resident of a Seaham care home which appeared in the paper this week, the reporter – to my surprise – did not ask the classic question of what is the secret to a long life.

Sanna Miller, 101, lives a full and happy life and has done since she was born at the beginning of the First World War, the story revealed. I scoured the copy for her secret to such a long and fulfilling life.

While the reporter did not put the question to her, I believe I may have found the answer.

Sanna never married and never had kids! You read it here first.

Since I’ve done both, I think I’ll get my doughnuts delivered from now on.