It’s a big No! No! from me

Hair today ... gone tomorrow.

Hair today ... gone tomorrow.

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IN Stoptober you stop smoking, in Movember you grow a moustache, how soon before all months have been hijacked by do-gooders?

My mate wants an excuse to grow a beard. He suggested some sort of sponsored Decem-beard month should be organised.

I expect the UK’s foremost beard trimming manufacturers are already on the case.

Personally, I’d like to see a month-long celebration of all our body hair. No shaving, plucking, trimming or waxing of any part of the body. I’m going to call it Janu-hairy.

I’m not wishing it to happen for charitable reasons, I’m actually looking to put No! No! Hair out of business.

You may be familiar with their work. The adverts can be found on morning TV show Lorraine, sandwiched between discussions on popular baby names and child abduction.

No! No! Hair is a hair removal device that, so the ads say, gives you “smooth sexy skin with virtually no pain”.

Virtually no pain? That’ll be with pain then.

It involves heat and the mechanical plucking of hair from your skin. Of course it’s going to hurt.

There’s a No! No! Hair removal device especially for men too. I’m assuming it’s for the removal of chest hair. Interestingly, there’s no mention of the hair being removed with ‘virtually’ no pain for men.

Women have, I’m told (by women) a greater tolerance for pain than men. I’m not going to argue.

Like most men, my tolerance for arguing back is even lower than my pain threshold. We can’t win can we? (no, I’m told, by women).

I fear, as a society, we have an unhealthy obsession with hair. If we’re not fearing the loss of it, we’re employing as many gadgets as we can to cut it back or remove it altogether.

I may be wrong, but what clinched it was an appeal made by my wife the other day.

Shouting out from the bathroom, she asked: “If I ended up in a coma, could you make sure you visit me every day …”

Of course I will … I began to reply, but she hadn’t finished.

“Could you make sure you visit me every day,” she said, before adding “… and pluck my eyebrows?”

It’s as good an argument for a Janu-hairy campaign as I can find.

A ghost in my house

A GHOST switched on the TV we have in our bedroom in the middle of Monday night. We don’t know why, but then that’s the sort of thing ghosts do, isn’t it?

A ghost also locked my wife’s friend’s bathroom door from the inside when there was no one in the house last week. The family returned home to find the door locked.

When they broke down the door there was no one there. Even the ghost had scarpered.

I’ve stopped arguing with my wife about ghosts. She believes. To be honest it makes life easier.

Instead of getting into debates about the engineering weaknesses of bathroom locking devices or the vagaries of modern TV remotes, it’s far easier to just look wide-eyed and say “it must be ghosts.”

That seems to satisfy her. Which is why my wife will love a new website that has been launched in the US called DiedInHouse.com. It tells you if anyone has ever died a horrible death in your home so you can explain those mysterious “bumps in the night.”

I don’t know. Maybe I’m alone in thinking as hauntings go, switching on TVs and locking doors is just shoddy ghostmanship.

On the website where this story appeared, one person had written: “I thought someone had died in my son’s room. Turned out it was just his shoes.” I liked that.

Ghosts. I remain unconvinced. But please, send in your ghost stories, I’d love to hear them...

YOU can contact Richard via email on richard.ord@jpress.co.uk, follow him on @DickyO or contact him via oujia board at midnight this Halloween.